Pooh rounded up all the animals from the various places they had hidden themselves in Hundred Acre Wood, after they had heard about his latest brainwave. Last time he had talked them into a training course it had turned out to be ‘Investing in People’ and some of the animals still woke up screaming at night.
“We’re all going to get Diversity Trained”, said Pooh, “Because that’s what it takes to get a job in the Guardian or on the BBC and I’m buggered if that Pudsey is going to corner the market in winsome stuffed toys”.
“Fill your boots if you feel the need,” said Eeyore, “But I don’t see why we have to go along with it. It’s not as if it will affect the thistle harvest.”
“One word”, said Pooh, “LGBGTQWERTY”.
“Come again?”, said Piglet.
“You heard me”, said Pooh. “It’s shorthand for Rainbow Gender Preferences. Or none, for those of an asexual inclination.”
“Looks more like the top line of Christopher Robin’s toy typewriter after he used it to cosh the Jehovah’s Witness who wanted him to peruse his Watchtower”, said Tigger, “Blood everywhere. He’s going to have to write his Christmas thank-you letters longhand this year”.
“That is as maybe”, said Pooh, who felt that the conversation was getting away from him somewhat, “But I’ve taken the liberty of paying for you all to go on a week’s diversity training at Toynbee Hall. All the tofu you can eat, breakdancing to the Tunes of Chairman Mao, ten to a room, no whistling, no singing, no spitting. It’s going to be epic.”
“How did you get the money to cover this?” asked Kanga, who was beginning to feel one of her migraines coming on.
“I’ve signed you all up as volunteers for a few little experiments at Porton Down”, said Pooh, “Nothing to worry about and they’ve assured me that the fur will grow back eventually. Probably”.
The animals looked at each other uneasily. They did not want to be Diversity Trained. It sounded even more tedious than IiP, and they suspected that they were going to be bored to sobs.
“Who’s going to be giving the lectures, then?” asked Tigger, in a vain attempt to lighten to growing sense of doom and despondency.
“Glad you asked”, said Pooh, rubbing his paws, “Some of the Left’s brightest and best. Keynote talks include, ‘Public Schooling for Red Princes’ by D Abbott, ‘Anti-Semitism for Beginners’ by J Corbyn, ‘Tuscan Villas and Supercars on a Budget’ by Polly, and ‘Hypocrite? Moi?’ by one of the Owens.
“I’m not sure what all that has got to do with diversity”, said Eeyore.
“Definition’s in the small print at the bottom of the contract,” said Pooh,
“Diversity is the range of differences, including but not limited to race, ethnicity, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, age, social class, physical attributes and level of gullibility especially voting Labour.
Right you lot, get packing!”
“Get stuffed!” said the animals, stampeding for the gate.
© Madam Revenant 2018