NHS in Crisis

Vir Cantium, Going Postal

An acute shortage of basic medical supplies has left the NHS ‘close to breaking point’.

NHS Managers and campaigners have revealed that only one week’s supply of basic necessities such as sick bags and Milk of Magnesia remain, with some urban hospitals down to just one day’s supply. At Prime Minister’s Questions today, Jeremy Corbyn challenged the Prime Minister, saying that “Our NHS is sick of the Tories and now there’s nothing left to be sick into”.

“This is an inevitable result of the uncertainty caused by the government’s mishandling of Brexit”, said a spokesperson for Best for Peoples Vote Better in Britain. While Tottenham MP David Lammy said that the shortage of black sick bags was even more acute. Speaking at the Royal College of Nurses conference yesterday, Mr Lammy said that situation was made worse by the fact that there were no longer any nurses left.

Government sources have suggested that a sick bag tax may be levied on airliners and ferry operators to boost NHS coffers.

However, some researchers have pointed to a sudden and unprecedented upsurge in demand for vomit receptacles and stomach settling medicine, which peaked around the start of July. “It seems that, by coincidence, the 70th anniversary of the founding of the NHS has led to a massive demand for sick bags among normally perfectly healthy people, particularly viewers and listeners to the BBC.” said Prof. W Puffin of the Taylor Swift Institute of Wokeness.

Earlier today Theresa May had apologised for the shortage and launched a £10bn emergency fund. It is not clear whether the money is new funding, or where it’s to be spent. Right wing think tank NemoLegitCommentaria called for an urgent programme of antidote distribution in the form of a series of documentaries on the failings of the NHS, how medical advances have been made across the globe regardless of one country’s use of an outdated model of healthcare provision, and how other countries have managed to ensure universal essential healthcare largely free at point of use without copying the UK’s NHS.

Mrs May dismissed the plans saying that such extreme far-right views are totally incompatible with British Values.

“Our NHS is a jewel in the crown and the envy of the entire world”, said Mrs May, speaking during a tour of a mosque this morning.

“Oh dear, are you OK? Was it something in the food?”

“I mean, not that I’m suggesting there is anything wrong with the food here, I mean, I do apologise for any offence I have just caused you… oh, of course, it’s Ramadan, so you’ve not eaten? Oh errm, sorry, I didn’t mean to mention food during this important time for your faith … I’m really ever so sorry….”

© Vir Cantii 2018

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