What If Jesus Came Back Today?

1642again. Going Postal
Gaudenzio Ferrari, Stories of life and passion of Christ, fresco, 1513, Church of Santa Maria delle Grazie

Jesus has persuaded God the Father to give him a second chance to redeem Mankind and to postpone for now his official Second Coming.  This one will resemble His first visit, incognito, not the official State Visit to end State Visits because there would be no States left afterwards.

It had meant a difficult meeting with the Heavenly High Command who were raring to go, the countless legions of Special Angel Services were fully trained, War had a new range of armoured autonomous drones he was itching to test in real combat, Pestilence had developed a full panoply of new biological warfare agents, Famine had genetically engineered billions of super locusts and Death had a very long list of people he planned to visit such as abortionists, politicians from around the world and had read every celebrity magazine especially…

But Jesus had his way and was born to a jobbing carpenter in a small former mining town in County Durham who had got his 17-year-old girlfriend pregnant.  Unlike all her girlfriends, she didn’t have an abortion because she had had a dream about her unborn child she said, although no one took that seriously other than her boyfriend.  The couple planned to get married, even saw the vicar and started getting ‘religious’, but then on a trip to the local tax office, she gave birth prematurely and that was it.  His mother thought He was special, sent Him to Sunday school, and although bright, they had no money to give him a great education and so Jesus was apprenticed at 16 through his Dad’s work contacts, and learnt his trade on building sites around the North.

But He was still bookish, even religious, and approached the church to see if He could become a vicar, but they smiled kindly, said He needed a degree and it wasn’t for someone with His background.  He tried the Catholics, but they just laughed; even some of the non-conformists, who were interested until they realised He held some very traditional views, told Him that He was not in tune with modern church teaching, so no thanks…

One night, in the pub with some of His mates, they got talking serious things, must have been the beer, about what they saw around them that wasn’t right, the petty injustices of everyday life, the way people were used by those who professed to be on their side but who clearly weren’t.  Jesus said He wanted to do a bit of amateur speaking, and they didn’t laugh.  They thought Him a bit eccentric, undoubtedly clever, but they liked Him and said they’d come along and hear Him in the local park one Sunday afternoon, if only to humour Him.

That Sunday afternoon He said something that changed their lives, or maybe it was the way He said it, His fishermen mates, a couple of builders, an office clerk, his younger brother… A couple of bystanders heard and joined in: a junior tax inspector, a paramedic, a bloke who had once been in the EDL, even an Ulsterman who boasted about his connections with the UVF, the local tart and a few of the blokes’ girlfriends.

And so He started; talks in shopping centre concourses, a few village halls when His reputation began to spread, and then He started doing things that people couldn’t explain, miracles his followers called them, magic tricks his enemies (because there are always enemies).  Even more, he was clever on social media, Twittering away, Facebooking too, acquiring hundreds, even thousands, of ‘followers’, his message being about the need for rejection of the modern corrupt life, about the injustice of the establishment, the need to prepare for Judgement and redemption, false religions and prophets, about the need to judge them by their deeds, not words, about the children abused while the authorities looked the other way, how those most in genuine need never seemed to get what they were due while scammers got treated like royalty…

As He got bolder, more people followed Him, and He came to the attention of the authorities.  The police had a ‘quiet word’ from time to time, but never could find grounds for prosecution, the local priests banned him from their premises for upsetting ‘community relations’, although a couple told Him they had no problem with His message but were under instruction from ‘higher authority’.

Twitter and Facebook both banned Him, but he always set up new accounts and His followers seemed to find them, a couple of LGBT groups lodged official complaints about His strictures against homosexuality, and the local Imam was outraged when Jesus told him to his face that he served Satan and that there was no path to God other than through faith in the Christ.  Jewish groups were contacted and declared him an anti-Semite which was a bit odd because his granny was a Jewess, but the police never could quite pin any crime on him.

By now MI5 had Him under surveillance, His every word and online message was recorded and sifted; He was deemed an increasingly dangerous opponent of multiculturalism, but they could never find any statement of his advocating violence, just the opposite.  Even His association with a former EDL member and a reputed member of the UVF, while grounds for suspicion, were not offences in themselves, and none of His core supporters ever seemed even to get a parking ticket.  It was maddening to the authorities; they couldn’t even find any Russian connections.

Even worse, He held a free festival and managed to feed and water a crowd on 5,000 with no apparent money.  This got the Charity Commission involved because, surely, He was running an unofficial charity and skimming the funds while exploiting the credulous working classes with false promises of salvation and redemption?  But again, they couldn’t pin anything on him.  HMRC launched a tax investigation – how was He supporting himself – but it turned out it was by gifts from those He impressed.

The media studiously ignored Him of course, even though He regularly attracted crowds of many thousands, but then it all changed.  An “inter-faith” conference, sponsored by some global investment funds, was to be held at St Paul’s Cathedral.  He told his followers that this was His moment, the time for Him to reveal Himself in the centre of authority, to speak truth to power, but they would walk and speak the whole way.

Word spread despite the media black-out.  He was banned from the trains and buses, but He walked, people put him up in their houses as an act of rebellion if not from faith in Him, because the country was writhing with suppressed dissent.  But the crowds slowed Him down and so He borrowed an abandoned bicycle to recover lost time and get to London for the conference.  The authorities had Him.  He was arrested and bound over the keep the peace and told not to enter Central London or face immediate gaol.  He was released, but sympathisers smuggled Him into London in their car, and He and His followers entered the lobby of the conference.  There was an altercation with conference security during which He shouted that the clerics were betraying their faith and were in league with Mammon, and His tougher disciples laid out a few of the guards before they escaped.

By now He was a wanted man, the police and security services were looking for Him, the Archbishop and clerical authorities denounced Him as a heretic, the politicians as a ‘far right extremist’, the media screamed He was guilty of ‘hate crimes’, ‘Islamophobia’, ‘anti-Semitism’ and ‘Homophobia’.  His supporters took fright and most melted away, denying any connection with Him, even His most loyal supporters pleaded with Him to lie low, but one – the ex EDL man –  had been turned by the authorities, disillusioned as he was that Jesus forbade a violent insurrection.

But, a couple of nights later, He persuaded them to follow him to Kensington Palace Gardens for a meeting, knowing that He would be betrayed and arrested, but He didn’t tell them this.

And so the Met’s finest arrested Him, his followers scarpered, and He was taken straight to a special court where the judge convicted Him within a few minutes. His lawyer was a state appointed lackey, so He represented Himself, not speaking or offering a defence, for there was none the way the law was framed.  Within a few hours He was locked away on a Muslim majority prison wing, where He was shanked the following afternoon, dying a few hours later.

His family were banned from seeing His corpse and told to await the autopsy and inquest at some indeterminate time in the future, and the body was locked away in a secure morgue, only for two days later a routine inspection to find it was gone… vanished.  Security cameras showed nothing, other than recording some interference for a few minutes.

The authorities decided secrecy must be maintained and that somehow His supporters had broken in and spirited His corpse away but were then horrified a couple of days later when videos appeared on line of an apparently alive Jesus explaining what had happened and that He was back again from the dead.  The media blackout was intensified, border agencies briefed, Interpol put on alert, His family and friends placed under intense surveillance, but the videos kept coming…

And then came the surprise Press Conference in the White House with the President, Vice President Mike Pence, and a Jesus showing His wounds to the world’s media…

And then the Trumpet sounded…

© 1642again 2018

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