My first week in office

Snoffle Gronch, Going Postal

Friday
Our first action as a Government: Britain abrogates Geneva Convention of 28 July 1951 on the Status of Refugees. No more economic migrant chancers posing as refugees. The Government reserves the right to grant exceptional leave to enter the UK in proven emergencies, for instance to Rhodesians and South Africans of British descent.
Riots in those channel ports which Frenchies have allowed to become overrun with foreign gangsters. More fool them.
Our action is roundly condemned by the EU, the UN and Brendan Cox, MP (moral paragon). Hours later Hungary, Italy, Poland and the Czech Republic follow our lead and abrogate the convention. The first steps to end the invasion have been taken.
The main business is appointing Ministers. In the interests of diversity I am proud to have appointed the first wankpuffin to the Treasury.

Saturday
Received warm congratulations from President Trump, and an invitation to Washington. Thanked him for the inspiration he had given us, and was pleased to invite him here.
Brief Cabinet meeting at which we agreed to axe overseas development budget, scrap HS2, and abolish halal slaughter.

Sunday
The collapse of the May Government, and the snap election left the BREXIT negotiations in chaos – but these can be put straight very quickly. I have written to the EU Commission explaining that the UK will no longer permit any EU national to establish residence in the UK from today’s date, that all of Britain’s territorial waters revert immediately to our direct control, and that all payments from the UK cease forthwith. Further that if they want to sell their cars here, we can sell financial services there. Finally that if they start arsing about, we can let them have three million of their nationals back at very short notice.
Tragically this afternoon a wimminz and jessies for Sharia protest in Trafalgar Square inadvertently got sprayed with slurry. No one can think how that happened.

Monday
Rowdy first session of the new parliament. The combined dwarf-throwing and election of a new Speaker delighted the House. Astonishing just how far across the lobby they were able to toss the former Speaker. I fear Bercow may never get over that indignity, nor the news that though he doesn’t get a peerage, he will be investigated under an Unexplained Wealth Order.
The Abolition of the House of Lords Bill, was met with autistic screeching from the opposition benches, as might be expected from the sort of folk who crave only unelected and unaccountable power. But we have a mandate, we mean business and we don’t intend metropolitan liberals to get in our way.
Everyone from the Archbishop of Canterbury to Lily Allen is agreed that the migrant detention centre at Yarl’s Wood is a national disgrace. I am privileged to help expunge that disgrace. This morning we bundled up all but a dozen vagrants (whose origins we cannot identify) and flew them off to the various destinations in Africa and the sub-continent whence they came. It’s the humane thing to do.

Tuesday
We have suspended from duty a dozen high profile diplomats and officials, and made it clear that hundreds will follow if the civil service attempts to impede the Government. With their fat salaries and bloated pensions the rest will soon come to heel.
At lunch watched the tearful beeboid announce that Lord Hall-Hall had been escorted from his desk, and that Rod Liddle was now the acting Director General of the BBC. She choked when she added that a Mr Yaxley-Lennon had joined the BBC Trust. I know it was a wicked waste of time, but we just had to watch that segment twice on repeat.
Prince Charles arrived unexpectedly in a cloud of unctuous and environmentally suspect liberal indignation, and started giving his advice. I thanked him warmly, explained there were something like six thousand in the line of succession, that of them I greatly favoured Beatrix von Storch, and offered him his hat and coat. He’s gone off to discuss his concerns with the plants in the entrance hall.
Swedish Government furiously denounces our clearing of Yarl’s Wood.

Wednesday
Corrupt Appointments Bill announced. Thanks to the Blair and subsequent administrations, the public sector is awash with incompetent “diversity hires”, token women, Blairite luvvies, professional troughers, Common Purpose crooks and rape-facilitating senior policemen. The act, when passed, will enable Government to sack all of these, without compensation, and strip their pension entitlements back to those of a dole clerk. Dame Hilda Bracket in the Supreme Court, Alison Saunders, and a couple of Chief Constables will serve as hors d’oeuvres.
PMQs was a bizarre affair, as Cobyn, Lady Bulbous-Nugee, and Starmer all seem to suppose that they led Labour’s 142 MPs.
Last night remaining Yarl’s Wood residents were secretly dumped on a beach near Malmo. I wonder if the Swedes will notice.

Thursday
So much to do! So much to do! In the course of the next year we must abolish complainant anonymity in rape cases, restore the legal status of fathers, scrap “hate” crimes, get some fairness and rationality back into education, deport foreign criminals and get our young people back to work. I hardly have time to read Going Postal these days.
 

© Snoffle Ефимович Gronch 2018