GP’S 2017 ADVENT CALENDAR OF CUISINE
OK everyone, it’s that time of year when you see *friends* and those *family* members you do not really like very much come round yours. To keep face, and pretend you don’t hate them at least, you must offer them something to eat and drink. I see from the articles we have so far for the ‘Going-Postal.com Advent Calendar of Cuisine’, that they cover some delicious meals and drinks. In these difficult circumstances, you do not want to be wasting good food and drink on these people. The solution therefore is to provide some special *drink* and *food*
Regarding drinks, many of us will have won a raffle prize or two where it is a bottle of sparking urine or similar. Keep these, and tell your guests they are in for an international treat. Explain that as you are on a strict diet, you cannot partake of this yourself.
So here is a couple of *nibbles* that you can prepare, in some cases weeks in advance, some can be frozen or kept in the fridge and they should last until Christmas has finally finished, which we will know about, as the shops will be stocking Easter Eggs, except they will now be called *Holiday Chocolate Eggs* to avoid offending people who are not of a Christian religion, but will of course offend all those who are of a Christian religion. I digress:
Purée spaghetti. This is an entertaining dip for those vegetables you don’t like, I mean real vegetables, not the guests. Take a packet of normal spaghetti, boil for as long as the packet says. Put into a blending machine until you have a puree. Add some purple food colouring. When served call it “Polme esparguete” and explain it is a Portuguese Christmas favourite. Add a side dish of quartered Brussel Sprouts (boiled for just 4 minutes), during the boiling period use only enough water to cover them, then add a generous portion of black food colouring (McCormick if you can get it). Call these “Couves de Bruxelas cozidas preto”, another firm “Portuguese favourite”, it’s not of course but they will never know. You can also boil some cauliflower in the same way as the Brussels.
Kivekset Tomaatti Kastikkeessa – Finish *Meatballs* in Tomato sauce. Buy any brand of a pasta sauce in a jar. Purchase some bulls testicles (you may need to order now in time for Christmas). Keep whole and pan fry the testicles to brown them off, then roast them in the oven for 1 hour at gas mark 7 (220 C) with some vegetables and a clove or two of garlic, with some beef stock to keep them moist. Once cooked, these can be frozen. When required, defrost and microwave until warm, microwave the pasta sauce and pour on top. Explain that you became vegan just last week, so sadly cannot partake.
For desert I thought an old English favourite, with a twist. Toffee Apple Surprise. Make as many as you like. Take some good quality apples and a large white onion. Peel and dice the onion. Steam them for a few minutes, but no colour in them. Use an apple corer to de-core the apples, but cut off the ends of each core you take out. Stuff the cooked onion into the apple and use the ends of the core to plug them. To make the toffee, use 440g of castor sugar, 350g of golden syrup, a splash or two of water. Mix these together in a saucepan over a medium heat until gooey. Now, take a biggish lollipop stick and insert at the other side of where the core was, and dip into the toffee. You can double-dip if required. An advantage of this is that you can eat one as well, as you know where to stop!
With any luck, they will all be most pleasant about your culinary efforts, but, and crucially, they won’t be round next year. You can thank me later.
© Phil the test manager 2017