How to deal with an elephant

Guardian Council, Going Postal

There’s an elephant in your room?

Can’t be – elephants have been extinct for ages.

There may be something there but how can you be sure it’s an elephant?

It may be an elephant but it’s not in the room, it’s in your imagination – and what a filthy mind you have to think about them!

What do you mean by “is”, by the way? (h/t Bill Clinton)

Well there may be something in your room, but we need further investigation to find out what it really is.

It’s an elephant alright but only a very small one – a baby elephant. And it’s rather cute!

It may be quite large for a baby elephant, but this one is exceptional and not at all like the baby elephants which I know.

It’s eating your peanuts? Then you shouldn’t tempt it so much.

Anyway, it’s just trying to show you how much it likes you by taking feed from you.

It’s shat on your carpet? I’m sure it didn’t mean it! But you liked another rug anyway and you do have enough money to buy one, don’t you?

So, you haven’t come here to talk about carpets, have you? But why do you then?

Okay, so a fully-grown elephant is messing up your living room – well it isn’t really your living room, is it? You’ve only borrowed it from our grandchildren!

It may be what you say it is but it’s only one elephant. And it’s not at all behaving the way an elephant would behave, usually. You must have done something to it.

Elephants have done wonders for us in the past. Just think of Spain – oh look, a squirrel!

Elephants are very peaceable animals. Oh look, another squirrel!

For all I care you may have an elephant in your room “for realses”, but if you treat it nicely I’m sure you’ll both get along swimmingly. I’ve shared a room with a dormouse once and we’re still good friends – it all depends on you.

For all your privilege you do have a nerve complaining about this poor, defenceless creature. Or do you want to exploit it for some political ends?

Two elephants, you say now? Make up your mind, please. It used to be only one elephant.

No, no, no, that can’t be. There’s never been more than one elephant, at least in living memory.

Well there may be a first time for everything, but why don’t you get yourself a bigger living room? It could also sooth your nerves.

Stop making this all about yourself, please. You’re not treating these animals kindly enough. No wonder they get a bit miffed – why, you could probably scare me if you tried!

If you don’t want a bigger living room, why don’t you move in to another house? There’s no need to yell at me, it’s only a question…

So now that we have established that you’re keeping a herd of elephants in your living room let me inform you that you’re in breach of the EU’s animal welfare directive. You could face charges in court and possibly a fine and/or jail time for this.

Well they may be abominable in a group but individually they’re rather charming, aren’t they?

© Guardian Council 2017