This is Tony Blair

JWP, Going Postal

This is Tony Blair (full name: Anthony Mohindas Lazarus Agnes Lionel Blair). He is very rich. He was once Prime Minister of Great Britain during which time he was briefly married to the President of the USA. He is now married to a woman who is also very rich. They live in big houses and possess several embarrassingly awful swimsuits. He is thought to enjoy staying at various cottages throughout the countryside and towns of England.

Tony Blair started the People’s War, a conflict in which he did not fight but in which ordinary people were sent away to be shot.

It is reported that Tony Blair suffers from total deafness as when great numbers of British persons rose up to oppose his People’s War he did not hear a word.

The Blairs have a reputation for being bad neighbours. When he was prime Minister he moved into the house next door and evicted a one-eyed man. The one-eyed man held a grudge for a very long time and was eventually evicted a second time.

Tony Blair liked being King of the English Lands, so much so that he employed a Court Jester, Johannus Prescottius, a fat buffoon who occasionally took off his trousers. Johannus was all English Champion of the egg yolk throwing competition held annually near a wall somewhere. Prescottius once fell on a woman unannounced. He was called Two Shags Prescottius.

JWP, Going Postal

Tony Blair was also Leader of the Labour Party, a disparate grouping of the marginalised, oppressed, workshy, insane and unstable people who think Britain owes them something more than they have earned for themselves. He was good at being Leader and liked to make long speeches in conference halls.

Tony Mohindas Lazarus Agnes Lionel Blair is a friend of Pope Francesca and likes to play his guitar to the Pope. They enjoy singing songs like Kumbaya and Where have all the Flowers gone? While he was Prime Minister and King of the English Lands he had a witch doctor called Alastair John Campbell who liked to drink other people’s whisky. He said two memorable things: “I’ll have another,” and, “We don’t do God”. This was wise as Pope Francesca does not do God either.

He likes foreign people, especially when they come to live here. He likes foreign people better than some of his own people. In fact, during the time he was Prime Minister Tony Blair allowed millions of foreign people to come and live in other people’s houses and to do their jobs for them so that they would not have to get out of bed in the morning. Many British people are grateful to him for this act of kindness. He never let any of these foreign people sleep in his bed.

JWP, Going Postal

Tony Blair has a friend called Dorothy who says he is a good friend of the European Union. This is why he likes foreign people. In fact, since he finished being Prime Minister he has tried to become King of all the Europeans, but nobody wants him. He has tried to keep his hand in by poking his nose in from time to time. He has small hands and a long nose.

One of Mr Blair’s closest friends is Lord Mangledons. He collects moustaches and houses with other people’s money and likes to resign from jobs to make himself seem indispensable. He does this a lot. Lord Mangeldons likes other men very much.

Tony Blair says that Britain must be part of Europe. He said this in big words to make himself look clever and so that people under 5’6” would not be able to understand.  “We should maintain our partnership with the biggest political union and largest commercial market right on our doorstep; not in diminution of our national interest, but in satisfaction of it.” (He says ‘it’ in a rather strange way. The accent is affected). Some people believe this to be an ancient spell which has the power to make old men with beards disappear.

It has been said that while he was leader of the Labour Party Tony stuffed the country full of immigrants not in satisfaction of the country’s interests but in satisfaction of the Labour Party’s interests. This resulted in the diminution of our national interest. For the Labour party it was a good policy as since he did that London has become a Muslim province of Pakistan and the city is now governed from the driver’s cab of the number 77 bus.

Our sources tell us that Mr Blair is getting older. Every twelve months he is a whole year older. There are rumours that one day he might die. Many people are praying.

If you would like to join our “Hands Across the Miles Circle of Prayer for Anthony Mohindas Lazarus Agnes Lionel Blair, Prime Minister of Great Britain and King of all the English, Aspirant to the Throne of the European Union and Constitutional Advisor to the British People on the Ignorance of Democratic Choice”……please send a cheque for £75 in used stamps or postal orders to: Prickwillow Cottage, Bitchfield Crescent, Feltwell, Near Shitterton. BH20THU

JWP, Going Postal