|“I’m dangling from a lamp post at the corner of the street”|
As we ease ourselves into 2018 I thought I would offer a personal retrospective of 2017, as I’m sure we all agree that it was quite an exceptional year in a number of ways.
There were so many highlights (and lowlights) that it’s hard to know where to start, but I’ve picked out a few of my favourites for your delectation.
January – March
The big event here was the inauguration of Donald J Trump as President of the USA. Who could forget the ceremony itself – so much grander in scale and scope than ever seen before.
Lots to choose from but my two favourite moments were:
- Trump arriving on a motorbike dressed as Evel Kinieval and jumping over the heads of forty mainstream media journalists. The crowd went wild, especially in the post-jump interview when he casually said “I was hoping to clear all fifty, but it wasn’t a bad effort and I did say I would create job vacancies in America”
- Milo Yiannopoulos being fired from a cannon into the waiting arms of honorary US citizen and newly-appointed US Ambassador to the UK, Nigel Farage. Trailing glitter behind him to form a sparkly rainbow was a stroke of genius which caused several SJWs watching to spontaneously combust
In February Man Utd fans worldwide lamented the tragic passing of Wayne Rooney, though they all agreed that there was enough of the season left for him to improve given how much better his heading had become.
Much to hardly anyone’s surprise, in March Theresa May announced that she need to defer the Article 50 decision for two more months while “we think more about some stuff”. The newspapers had a field day.
The headline from the Sun “Why May May?” was reflected in the Twitter hashtag #whymaymay which topped the world-wide trending charts much to the joy of the paper. Two days later it became clear that they had accidentally excited the 100m+ Twitter followers of a Chinese “installation artist” of the same name.
April – June
A surprise General Election was called when a clueless SNP MP submitted a motion of no confidence in the PM purely to get themselves on the tele whilst knowing that it stood no chance of passing. Fortunately for the country an autocorrect error meant that they ended up submitting a motion of no competence and as the PM was unable to submit any evidence of any she had to stand down.
As polling day loomed in May it was clear that the traditional parties were in for a kicking.
The Phoenix Party was established by cleansing the UKIP stables of the genuine nut-jobs and fruitcakes (Hamiltons, Carswell etc.) and poaching all of the intelligent and articulate MPs from the other parties (Rees-Mogg, Gove, Redwood, ….erm…. that was it really).
Jeremy Corbyn decided that Labour’s route to victory was to win over the huge number of non-voters in the country and to push Labour’s “red” theme in order to capitalise on the fact that the BBC had used it as their colour of choice over the years. His plans backfired when he insisted that the party’s “Don’t vote? Vote Labour” was printed in red on a background which included the red flag flying, consequently sending out the message “Don’t vote”.
The Lib Dems were thrown into disarray when Tim Farron had a moment of clarity and self-awareness following a minor bump on the head. As, for the first time ever, his expression changed to that of an adult, he was heard to say ”Bugger this, I’m going to follow my dream” before grabbing a ukulele and running off shouting “Turned out nice again”.
The Conservatives were doomed when Nicky Morgan emerged as the new leader and then proceeded to field candidates only in constituencies in the East of the country as she was advised that the party had drifted too far to the left.
As the results rolled it in became clear that the political landscape had changed for ever:
- The Lib Dems lost all of their seats (though as a consolation Little Timmy Farron got to number one in the charts with his song “Dangling from a Lamp Post”)
- Labour lost every seat where they polled less than 140% of the vote
- The Conservatives were wiped out everywhere west of a line between central London and Middlesboro and didn’t do too well East of there either, largely due to a misprint of their “Conserve a Tory” election material which was immediately binned by all recipients
The victorious Leader of the Phoenix Party, Paul Nuttall, became Prime Minister in a landslide victory that surprised him as much as anyone else (following his election night reaction he was always known as Paul “bugger me” Nutall, which caused some embarrassing incidents on state visits to the Middle East). On winning he immediately issued a statement that Article 50 was a useless minor piece of legislation not worth wiping his arse on. Article 50 was immediately triggered.
July – September
Early July was not without controversy. The creation of a Ministry for Policing and Justice under the control of Tommy Robinson ruffled a few feathers and led to a number of hasty emigrations to countries with no extradition treaty with the UK.
Similarly the appointment of Jacob Rees-Mogg as Minister for Education, Eloquence and Etiquette was seen by many as a couple of steps too far, but they were all frightful rotters so pish to them.
The record for shortest duration as a Cabinet Minister was set by Brexit Minister John Redwood, when Parliament passed his bill to revoke the 1972 European Communities Act on the day of his appointment. He immediately declared that we were now no longer in the EU so his job didn’t need to exist any more.
New Minister for Health Katie Hopkins confounded her critics when instead of introducing the anticipated “fat tax” she simply designed a law which mandated the maximum width of GP surgery and hospital doors. The slogan of “You’re only worth treating when you’ve stopped eating” caught on in school playgrounds around the country.
Dissolving the House of Lords and replacing it with an Artificial Intelligence construct was seen as a bold move, especially when the system complained that it was only using 1% of its processing capacity to do the work of the 800 peers replaced. This was resolved by asking it – “David Lammy. What’s the point?”. This consumed its thinking power for many years to follow.
October – December
The sad death of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was announced. Prince Charles announced that he would not use the title of “King”, preferring instead to be known as “Lord High Priest and Chief Protector of Gaia”. Nobody was surprised.
The ability to make and execute decisions quickly following the Great Common Purpose Purge meant that the government was able to set up the Assisted and Accelerated Airborne Repatriation Group Headquarters, who quickly established a process to return recent immigrants to the loving bosom of their country simply by bundling them into a plane and dropping them over their homeland. Parachutes were provided and you could tell the gratitude of the participants as they yelled the name of their saviours’ acronym on the way down.
The TV quiz show “What’s my country?” became one of the top-rated programmes of the year, with celebrities asking questions of people who “couldn’t remember” where they were from before deciding what country they should be returned to. It took fourteen episodes to get Kerry Katona to stop giving “Iceland” as the answer regardless of what the contestant said.
The year came to a triumphant close with the signing of the UK/US Trade Deal which set a record for the quickest negotiation, with the whole deal being negotiated and signed in a six-pint lunch in Ambassador Farage’s favourite UK pub.
It was also the shortest treaty ever, the entire document reading “We’ll sell each other stuff and won’t screw each other over. And you tell Nuttall that he might be leader of the Phoenix Patry but if phoenix my pint I’m nuking the bastard Ha ha ha ha!”. It is believed that the last bit wasn’t meant to be written down but it’s now enshrined in law so its just too bad.
So all told a momentous year. We face 2018 with an improved economy, a smaller population and a very special relationship with our traditional ally, the USA, which might come in handy given what is going on in continental Europe…
For the uninitiated amongst you, Little Timmy’s smash hit is based on this song (start 30 seconds in):
“Dangling From a Lamp Post” lyrics
I’m dangling from a lamp post at the corner of the street
Because a certain little voter passed by
Oh me, oh my
I wish that voter hadn’t passed by
I’m dangling from a lamp post so it couldn’t get much worse
Though it looks like he is building a pyre
It’s looking dire
No-one would piss on me if I was on fire
I’m dangling from a lamp post and I’m not the only one
There are ex-MPs wherever I look
Oh shit, oh fuck
It looks like Timmy’s finally out of luck