The Church of Going Postal

Wankpuffin, Going Postal

“In order to be protected under the Equality Act 2006, a religion or belief must be able to be generally recognised as being:

* cogent
* serious
* cohesive
* compatible with human dignity.

In broad terms, the first three of these mean, in turn: comprehensible; practiced with regularity and earnestness by adherents; and capable of being recognised as a common practice / system.”


I was pondering the fact that certain religious groups seem to be allowed to get away with worse than murder as their culture is shaped by their religion and, therefore, must be accomodated by everyone else.  Luckily right at that moment God decided to talk to me and this is what he said:

“Now then Northern Man, I’ve been keeping an eye on my creation and I’m not too chuffed about how it’s working out.  I tried giving you some guidelines through a bunch of different prophets but they seem to have got their messages a bit scrambled (shagging nine year olds – I ask you!).  I’ve decided that I’ve been a bit quiet for too long so now I’m going to make things a bit clearer through you, my one true messenger.  Here is the Word, and the Word is Law (ignore that 80’s TV show – different Word altogether):

1.  I’ve given up on prophets so this is all you get.  Anyone claiming to speak for me is talking out of their arse (actually I might make that happen to them just for the lolz).  If I want to give you a further message I will write it in letters of fire on the face of the moon, because I can do that, being God and all

2.  Your new religion is to be called “Postalism” and its followers are to be called “Posties”.  They will be known by the wearing of the sacred Puffin badge.  There are only two religious options – Postalism or nothing.  Allow no other religion.  All existing religious buildings are to be repurposed (see 5 below)

3.  If my followers wish to assemble to discuss stuff (especially if it’s to remind me how great I am – who doesn’t want to be loved?) then they are welcome to do that but there is to be no hierarchy within Postalism.  No “Reverend” or “Very Reverend” or “Imam” or “Rabbi” – if these intructions here are too complex for you to work out for yourself then you need medical treatment, not spiritual assistance

4.  Those who do not believe are not to be shunned, punished, ignored or mistreated.  The non-believers exist to challenge your thinking and to test your faith.  They are your equals and, in some cases, your superiors.  This is to be cherished, as exercise makes your faith fitter, just as it does for your body

5.  Converted religious buildings are to be repurposed for the benefit of the community, so no hipster coffee bars, vegan cafes or outreach centres.  Pubs are OK and I’ll even stretch to the odd wine bar, but libraries or boxing clubs would be better.  This is also the last time that the word “repurpose” is to be used.  Ever.

6.  Be nice to each other.  You know when you are being a dick, so don’t. When you die you either get an eternity of more pleasure than you can imagine or the opposite. The exception is for anyone who harms children or animals.  I really let my imagination let rip for you and you cannot concieve of what I can do to you (but I’ll give you a clue – sharp implements, bleach and the music of Max Bygraves are all involved)

7.  Don’t expect divine intervention and don’t credit me for anything that happens or doesn’t – I’m not micromanaging.  I’ve pushed the slinky down the stairs and I’m not controlling where it goes.  Shit happens and I haven’t made it happen.

8.  There are only two genders – blokes and birds.  Some poor sods get a bit of each (see 7 above) so do what you can to help and support them.  Anyone else is just attention seeking so give them a good ignoring (but feel free to look at their social media for a laugh).  Any binary combination of bloke and bird in a lasting relationship is fine by me.  By all means try more than two at once for a giggle every now and then but that’s no way to live.  If you want to procreate then it’s one bloke and one bird and you are parents until the offspring become adults.  End of.

9.  For the avoidance of doubt, “adult” means 18.  No nookie before then or else (I’ll allow a pair of 16 year olds having a bit of a fumble but anything more serious and you’re in trouble.  Anyone adult mucking about with anyone not adult and you’ll be hearing from me.  In person)

10.  Apart from the above you have free will.  There will be no “acts of God” unless notified in advance via the letters of fire as per (1) above

11.  Don’t be ashamed of success and don’t envy or belittle the success of others.  You are not all born equal.  Find what makes you happy and make the most of that, then in my eyes you are as good as anyone else on the planet (or, indeed, elsewhere).

11.  Final point, and a bit of a teaser.  You are not alone in the universe.  Science the shit out of discovering what is out there – I’ve tucked a few goodies away for you and you just have to find them.

That’s your lot and that’s all you need from me.  The rest is up to you.”

With that He was gone and I was left to wonder – if this was the new global religion would the world be better off or worse off….

Northern Man ©