Modern fairy tales for a very modern world

Coloniescross, Going Postal

We all love the ABBC right, we love it for the news and drama, we love it for its dancing shows and its documentaries and we  love it for its Children’s programmes. But there is something that the ABBC does that often goes unnoticed and consequently  un-applauded.

It gives license payers money to organisations that selflessly go out into the community and pass on their wisdom to others,  the ABBC especially likes doing this sterling work with children. It is easier to mould the mind of a child to think in the  “proper” way than it is to convince a cynical old adult that he or she must change their way of thinking and or acting or  risk being “pigeon holed” as an ist or a phobe of one kind or another.

Currently, as part of their 100 Women of 2016 they are supporting a woman (a feminazi, if you will) that is going into  Primary Schools and, working with children as young as 7 or 8 they are re-writing fairy tales to “reflect” more accurately  the modern world.

This intrigued me, so I looked into the whole fairy tale thing and discovered that all cultures and races had them in their  history, I also discovered that there are some recent ones that need no “bringing up to date”.

With the permission of the author, Stephanie Fried, I reproduce one below, verbatim.  She recommends it as suitable for  children of all 3 sexes aged five and above.

The Queen, the Gardener and the Butt plug

Once upon a time in a country called Gheyland there lived a regal old queen called Eltonia, she had reigned for many years  and was much loved by all her loyal subjects, many of whom would visit the halls where she made her frequent public  appearances carrying the symbol of their loyalty, a wax candle in the shape of a tumescent pierced penis.

Eltonia was very happy to be adored in such a way, but she was also very lonely. She would often take a stroll in her palace  garden, free from the encumbrance of underwear and, with a large butt plug for company, daydream about how lovely it would  be if a handsome young prince were to come along and sweep her off her feet.   One day while Eltonia was out walking she  bent to stroke one of her poodles and, while doing so, her butt plug popped out and fell into the long grass.  Although she  searched and searched she could not find her cherished favourite toy anywhere and, distressed and crying, she ran into her  palace, calling for her royal dancers to come to the pleasure room and “entertain” her as only they could.

The very next day a handsome but very naive young gardener called Furnicio was cutting the grass and came across the butt  plug. He was fascinated by its size and shape but couldn’t understand what it was for or who it belonged to. He decided to  ask the uphill gardener, a worldly wise and effete man called Pieter, if he knew what it was.

On seeing the plug Pieter was convinced that it was Eltonias favourite and knew she was inconsolable at the loss.  In fact  she had decided to host a gala party and invite all the princes of the land. Eltonia was worried that her own treasured  possession would never be found but she missed it so. Her only hope was that a handsome young prince would arrive at the  party with a butt plug of exactly the right size and shape. If such a thing were to happen he would become the wifeband of  Eltonia and share equally in all the wealth of the land. He would also get to organise and take part in all the palace  orgies and become father to Eltonias dogs and adopted children.

Furnicios initial joy turned to horror as he realised that he, a lowly gardener who had worshipped Eltonia from afar, would  never get an invite to the party. Pieter however, being not only a very experienced uphill gardener but also the biggest  fairy in the land had a plan, he would dress Furnicio in the brightest and gayest of colourful royal garb and have him  introduced as the Prince of the land of Soho. Pieter knew that once Eltonia saw how young and handsome Furnicio was and that  he had found the missing butt plug it wouldn’t matter that he was just a palace skivvy.

Furnicio was overjoyed and asked Pieter if there was anything he could do for him in return, Pieter smiled and said, “Why  Furnicio, how kind, I’ll invite the royal dancers Bryantia, Evania and Vazzillia over, between us we will split the ripe  peach and one of us will get the cherry. We’ll also introduce you to the art of the felch”. Furnicio was happy to hear this,  he really liked fruit.

On the day of the party the three dancers and Pieter took care to dress Furnucio in his princely garb. Although he was  walking a little bit funny he looked very dashing in his gold lame doublet and bright green crotchless hose, the cap with a  cock feather in the brim adding the final camp flourish. Pieter instructed Furnicio for the final time; “Remember, now you  are out you must walk at all times with your elbows bent and your fingers splayed downwards, as all Soho princes do. When  you are called to meet Eltonia remove the plug from your “secret” place and without hesitation insert it into the waiting  orifice, if it is, as I believe it to be, the missing favourite of Eltonia your future happiness will be guaranteed”.

Furnicio entered the Palace ballroom, which was bursting at the seams with all manner of princes, queens and fag hags. He  was announced and there was much giggling and sighing over the beauty of his clothing and how young and pretty he was. In  the middle of the room Eltonia sat with her knees in the air as a queue of the most handsome princes came forward, each  hoping to be the lucky one to have the plug of the right length and girth to fulfil Eltonias longing. When it came to  Furnicios turn he dramatically produced the lost toy and, with just the correct amount of force, inserted it into the  waiting orifice.  A collective gasp reverberated around the huge ballroom as the look of pure carnal pleasure on the face of  Eltonia became evident.  “Why, that feels just like my own favourite toy” cried Eltonia “Who amongst you has made this queen  so happy”? Furnicio came shyly forward and, smiling coquettishly, said “I your majesty, but I must confess, although I wear  wonderful raiment and have recently been turned out I am not a prince, but only a humble gardener”. “Worry not my love, for  now you will take your rightful place at my side and you will be known, henceforth, as Crown Prince Uphill. Now, let us call  forth the Lubricators in Waiting, the Keeper of the Poppers, the Chancellor of the Viagra, the Court Dancers and Pieter the  uphill gardener, it’s time we got this party started”.

And so it came to pass that Eltonia and Furnicio became “life partners” and, even though there was the odd little tiff about  who went first with the new boys, they lived, managing their HIV with expensive NHS drugs, happily ever after.

THE END

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