It’s always nice at this time of year to spend a little time in the company of friends and relatives. Sometimes though family gatherings and parties can be disrupted or can even descend into violent anarchy if the people sharing the festive food and drink aren’t like minded on the main topics of the day.
With this in mind Swiss French Bob asked Colin Cross if he could devise a fun, news based quiz to make sure all the social gatherings that you might attend, even that often fractious Christmas Lunch with your brother who works for the council and your sister in law who is a deputy head at an inner city state school, go ahead without a hitch.
After a little thought Colin came up with a multiple choice quiz designed to be topical, entertaining and fun for all the family.
All you need to play RIGHT ON, ALT-RIGHT, ULTRA FAR RIGHT are some pencils and as many multiple choice quiz sheets as you need to ensure each adult has their own.
The rules are simple; each question offers a choice of answer A, answer B or answer C. Contestants are duty bound to answer truthfully;
SCORE: I point for an A, 2 points for a B and 3 points for a C
Mostly A’s you are totally “right on” and win a “Lineker” (20-29 points)
Mostly B’s you are nearly “alt-right” and win a “Hitchens” (30-45 points)
Mostly C’s you are “ultra far right” and win a “Trump” (46 points and over)
Section 1 The World at War
Q1 How many civilians were trapped in Aleppo without food water and sanitation for 4 years?
a) 250,000 Only Allah knows how any got out alive
b) 20 or 30,000 but they had food and water most of the time
c) None, they were all the families of jihadist fighters
Q2) How many children’s hospitals were deliberately bombed by the Russians during the siege of Eastern Aleppo?
a) 100’s and 100’s. Thousands of children were killed in their beds
b) One or Two maybe, by accident, the loss of innocent life is always a shame
c) There weren’t any hospitals in Aleppo catering only for children
Q3 Boko Haram in Nigeria is waging a war of attrition on the people of that country, what should be done about it?
a) Every time there is a bombing or a mass shooting light some candles and say NTDWI
b) Ask the Russians and Americans to work with the UN to capture or eradicate the terrorists
c) Carpet bomb the country until you are certain they are all ash
Q4 Barry O’Bama says that Russia has committed an “act of war” by hacking the computers used to elect the next PotUS, should he?
a) Immediately drag Europe into a major conflict with Russia risking the lives of millions of people
b) Take a little bit of time to think about what a twat he is making of himself and go for a round of golf
c) Blow out his brains, he’s a useless Kenya idiot anyway
Q5 Saudi Arabia is responsible for 1,000’s of deaths in Yemen using weapons supplied by the UK, should we?
a) Not say anything, we need the oil and the Saudis are anti-Semitic too
b) Write to our MP’s, avoid buying Saudi products and complain as loud as possible
c) Not say anything, it’s just Muslims killing Muslims, it’s what they do
Section 2 Popular Culture
Q1 When David Bowie died did you?
a) Consider suicide, life isn’t worth living without David in the World
b) Say, “what a shame, he was a decent turn” and get on with things
c) Nothing, you have no time for “pop” music or its “stars”
Q2 Lady Gaga appeared at an awards show wearing a dress made from lamb chops, did you think?
a) “Wow, I love Gaga, what a groovy statement, she’s so far off the wall she’s on it”
b) “Dopey publicity hungry tart, she can’t sing, let her get on with it”
c) “I wish she had died instead of David what’s his name”
Q3 When the Ghostbusters remake came out did you think?
a) “Great, an iconic movie remade with female leads, groundbreaking cinema worth queuing for”
b) “Oh, oh, I bet this is going to be very poor, I’ll wait to see it on Sky or buy a knock off DVD
c) “What a load of bollocks, women can’t act for toffee anyway, where’s Bill Murray when you need him”?
Q4 Benedict Cumberbatch is pictured wearing a “This is What a Feminist Looks Like” t shirt, did you THINK?
a) “Far out, at last a real man with the courage to come out and stand up for his sisters”
b) “What a twonk, he gets paid a gazzilion a film, he should steer away from making political statements of any kind”
c) “Who is this wanker anyway, never heard of him, but his mother was worth one. If he’s such a feminist why isn’t he at home doing the ironing”?
Q5 Jude Law, Lily Allen and others went to Calais to highlight the plight of the “poor children”, should they be?
a) Applauded, we need people like these to highlight our own failings
b) Ridiculed, it’s virtue signalling of the very worst kind
c) Robbed and beaten by the very same “poor children” it’d serve them right
Section 3 Politics and Religion
Q1 You are the pilot of a plane that is about to crash with Tim Farron, Nicola Sturgeon and Jeremy Corbyn as passengers, you only have 3 parachutes, who do you save apart from yourself?
a) All 3, you’d rather die than live in a world that doesn’t have quality politicians of this calibre
b) Sturgeon and Corbyn, The SNP and Labour wouldn’t be half as entertaining without these two dongles in charge
c) You throw out two of the parachutes and set the auto pilot to crash the plane, you save yourself in the knowledge that the world will be a far better place
Q2 You have an audience with the Pope after he washes the feet of some Muslims, do you?
a) Tell him he has contributed to World peace and should be proud of himself and his tolerance
b) Tell him that you are a little concerned that the gesture might be a bit one sided
c) Not go, the appeasing excuse for a human wants sacking
Q3 Who would make the best Prime Minister of Britain at the current time?
a) Tim Farron, he has everything a great statesman needs to succeed
b) Nigel Farage, the greatest politician of our age
c) Donald Trump, he could make Britain great again
Q4 One man is continually correct about the devastating effects of mass immigration on Western Society, do you?
a) Spit on him and his family when they are “off duty” he’s a racist bastard and should have died in that plane crash.
b) Support him and his party in the hope that the rest of the World starts to take notice
c) Spit on the dirty snivelling soap dodgers that attack him, it’s all they understand
Q5 The Church of England is considering allowing the consummation of same sex relationships within the priesthood, is this?
a) Excellent news, we are all “liberals” now
b) A further disturbing development in the moral breakdown of modern Christian teaching
c) The last straw, the dirty bastards need excommunicating
Section 4 Current Affairs
Q1 A 7 year old child who can hardly speak English tweets from war torn Aleppo about her and her families luck in avoiding death and about how hateful the Syrian regime and the Russian army are do you?
a) Swallow the ABBC version of the story hook line and sinker; they would never lie to us would they?
b) Take the whole thing with a massive pinch of salt, more “fake news” from the MSM
c) You don’t pay the telly tax and you get your news from the internet, where is Aleppo anyway
Q2 Following a terrorist attack in Berlin the suspects’ identity papers were found under the seat of the truck used as a weapon to kill 12 people, is this?
a) Completely understandable, a confused and mentally ill young man who obviously wants to be caught
b) Very suspicious but although they seem to be very good at killing people Muslim terrorists are pretty stupid
c) A deliberate plant by the German police to try to hide just how bloody useless they really are
Q3 Many on the Remain side of the recent referendum continue to insist that they fully respect the result of the referendum but they have genuine concerns about what kind of Brexit we have, are they?
a) Telling the truth, they only have the best interests of the British people at heart
b) Lying, they are more concerned about their own positions and liberal views than they are about Britain
c) Deliberately trying to overturn the will of the people, they hate us with an abiding passion and can’t believe we had the nerve to go against them
Q4 A failed politician called Ed Balls makes a complete and utter twat of himself on an ABBC dancing programme does this?
a) Make him popular enough to stand for Labour in the Copeland by election
b) Just prove what a self important gonk he has always been
c) Confirm your belief that, apart from one or two notable examples politicians are a bunch of useless tossers
Q5 Christmas is?
a) Something you have to tolerate, you meet so many old right wing fogies
b) A magical time to spend with your friends and family, eating drinking and making merry
c) A right load of old bollocks, I’m off down the pub till it’s all over
Tot up your scores, mop up any blood, open another bottle or two, start on the turkey and stuffing sandwiches and on behalf of the Cross family I wish you a very Happy Christmas.