Scene 1 – a fairytale castle. The sun is setting, the birds are singing and multi-coloured pennants are flying from the flagpoles. We are in a stately bedroom, with a four-poster bed and a large and ornate alabaster-framed mirror on the wall. Enter the Queen….
Queen Yasmin Alibaba Notwhite: “Well, another busy day sending communiques to the lower orders. Probably a waste of time. I bet most of them can’t read. How I despise them. Still Princess Coal Black is tucked up for the night so time for the traditional check” [turns to the mirror and says, in an unnecessarily dramatic voice] “O magic mirror on the wall, who is the most racist one of all?”
[Clouds appear in the mirror, slowly clearing partially to reveal the hint of a face]
Magic mirror: “Fuck knows why you keep asking me this. Sometimes I think you’re just taking the piss. You know I must give you an answer that’s true – no-one in the Kingdom is more racist than you.”
Queen: Thank Harambe (PBUH) for that. Time for bed and some cheap wavy special effects
[Cheap wavy special effects appear, with harp sounds (you know, the one where you just run your hand along the strings and back again). The Queen, looking a few years older, walks into the room]
Queen: I hope Princess Coal Black enjoyed her 18th birthday party. Harambe (PBUH) knows it cost enough. Still, now I can get her married off to a Prince and get shut of her. Bloody typical though – some beardy chap at the party said that in his religion I could have married her off nine years ago. Now he tells me! Right, here we go again” [turns to mirror with a look of resignation] “O magic mirror etc.”
Magic mirror: “Etc?? Etc??? You can’t even be arsed to ask properly? Oh well, I’ll answer anyway and it serves you right” [mirror clears its throat and hums a jaunty little tune] “You’ve had a good innings but now you’ve been surpassed, for there is one who now has you outclassed. Even though you’re the Queen your head you must bow, for Coal Black is the greatest fat fucking racist cow”
[The Queen flies into a rage]
Queen: “This cannot be! I have raised her as my own daughter even though I’ve always suspected that she was actually assembled in a lab somewhere. She will die this very evening and I will reclaim what is rightfully mine” [Shouts] “Send for the huntsman – I have a job for him”
[A few moments later the huntsman enters]
Huntsman: “My Queen, how can I serve you? You can call me Jeremy by the way”
Queen: “Cuntsman” [Jeremy groans quietly, whispering “Not again” under his breath] “Take Princess Coal Black into the woods and kill her. Bring me her scalp so I know the deed is done”
Scene 2 – A dark and dangerous looking wood. We follow a trail of chicken bones to find the body of Princess Coal Black on the ground. The huntsman stands over her, breathing heavily and sweating profusely
Huntsman: “Right, that’s it. I give up. I’ve lost three axes in your blubber and I can’t afford to lose any more. Here’s the deal – I have to take your scalp back to the Queen so let me do that and you can live in the woods for the rest of your life”
Coal Black: “Hwell huntsman (rolls eyes) if only you had told me that sooner I could have saved you a lot of effort. Here you go” [Coal Black removes her wig and gives it to the huntsman]
Huntsman: “You wear a syrup? Have you got a spare? If not I’ve got a titfer you can have”
Coal Black: “Hworry not huntsman. I have my Dave Hill Deluxe Limited Edition wig in my voluminous handbag (not a euphemism)”
Scene 3 – The woods. Coal Black is stumbling along, felling trees as she goes.
Coal Black: “Oh what am I to do? I’m famished – I haven’t eaten in minutes. Look at the state of care in the community”
[A timid looking woman suddenly peers out from behind a tree]
Stranger: “Sister, you appear to be lost in the wood. Please, come with me to our outreach centre where you can feast on the beneficence of our foodbank contents”
Coal Black: “Hwhy thank you kind stranger, but I have nothing to offer you in return save for my opinions which, by the way, are always right. Hwhat is your name by the way?”
Harriet Harperchild (for it is she): “I am Harriet Harperchild. I was one of the Queen’s advisors until I was banished to these woods. I share a cottage with Tiny Tony Straightguy and his best friend Gordoom. Come to our humble dwelling and share in some PIE”
Coal Black: “I thought there would be seven of you for some reason”
HH: “We’re down to three as a result of vicious story cuts”
Scene 4 – The castle. The Queen is pacing and looking a trifle vexed
Queen: “That wig from the Cuntsman wouldn’t fool anyone. It would appear that Coal Black is still alive. Since she is clearly impervious to physical attack I shall consult with my Council to see how I can kill her.
Scene 5 – a meeting room in the castle. There is a flip chart and a lot of Post-It notes on a long table. The Queen’s advisors are gathered.
Queen: “You know that I cannot kill Coal Black with a simple physical attack, given her protective layers and the fact that she has her own event horizon. What else can I try?”
Lord Friendleftington: “Friend Queen! Surely the shame that she has literally turned her back on our society, which Thatcher denied the existence of and then totally destroyed, in favour of a hard far extreme Right non-progressive neo-liberal fascist collective operating in the woods and, indeed, elsewhere should be enough to cause her to do the decent thing and literally exile herself?
The Earl of Kipperton: “ Aye up Queenie. I have no idea what tha’s on about, but look at the abs on this bird. Oh, by the way, fuck the BBC”
Baron Wank of Puffin: “Cunt”
Earl Eraser of Love: “Utter carrion that wouldn’t last until the first flush of the works Armitage shanks at The whistle of 8 o’clock on a Monday morning , whether it be in the square mile, the Factory floor, the Office or the Building site.”
Baron Poofta of Rotherham: “just bring her to my barge. I’ll do the rest”
Lord Bukkake of Hogwarts: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha” *breathes* “ha ha ha ha ha ha ha”
Queen: “Erm…interesting suggestions, though I’m not sure I understand them all. Earl Kipperton ・ your image of that muscular chicken has given me an idea. I know that Princess Coal Brown cannot resist Kent’s Fried Chicken so perhaps a poisoned KFC chicken leg will do the trick, Go now all of you while I prepare a spell”.
[The Queen’s Council leaves and the Queen assembles a collection of nasty looking ingredients, a large cauldron and a bucket of KFC]
Queen: “Just one bite of this chicken will kill any mortal man. I shall cast a spell to disguise myself as a hideous crone and I shall give the chicken to Coal Black then I will once more be the most racist in the land. Mwahahahah etc.”
Scene 6 – the cottage in the woods. A hideous crone carrying a bucket of KFC is stumbling through the undergrowth
Queen: “My disguising spell is affecting my brain. I’m losing the ability to make a decision. Or maybe I’m not. I must get to the cottage quickly. Or slowly”
[The Queen shambles towards the cottage, finally reaches the door and knocks. The door opens]
Tiny Tony: “Hi. Good to see you. What is important is that I’m a pretty straight kind of guy who believes in tackling the important issues before us and taking action, however difficult, to make sure that we go forward together as a strong nation, united in …”
Coal Black: “Who’s at the door Tiny Tony?”
Gordoom: “We’ll never find out with him there. Let me handle this.” [Pushes Tiny Tony aside] “What do you want you bigoted old woman?” [Coal Black tuts and pushes Gordoom aside. He lands on Tiny Tony]
Coal Black: “Hwell hello esteemed older person. Hang on a minute – aren’t you the Prime Minister?”
Queen: “I have been told that I look a bit like her but come on, would she ever dress like this? No, I am a travelling marketing executive for a new range of fried chicken products and we are looking for people to test these free …” [Before she can finish her sentence Coal Black plunges her pudgy hand into the bucket]
Coal Black: Hnom nom nom …. tastes a bit dodgy. I’d better try the rest of the bucket to be sure. [Coal Black snatches the bucket and slams the cottage door. She proceeds to devour the contents, chicken bones flying from her blurred hands like muck from a spreader]
Coal Black: “I feel a bit funny after that. I think I’ll have a lie down for a bit” [She collapses like a felled redwood (the tree, not the politician)]
Harriet Harperchild: “What’s happened to Coal Black?”
Tiny Tony: “She is in an enchanted sleep and can only be awoken by true Labour’s first kiss. What is important is.”
Gordoom: “How do you know that?
Tiny Tony: “It says on the side of the bucket “May contain poison. Eat responsibly. If enchanted sleep is caused, consumer can be revived by true Labour’s first kiss””.
Tiny Tony: “We need to leave her somewhere in the forest where she might get lucky with a passer by. Help me to drag her out. We can cover her with that conveniently empty fish tank to keep the flies off. It’s the humane thing to do. For the flies that is”
Scene 7 – It is a few months later. The recumbent body of Coal Black rests within her glass sarcophagus like a comedy-sized aubergine in a cold frame. A sign on the glass reads “Free Princess within. Yours to keep if you can awaken her with true Labour’s first kiss”. A shabby looking figure approaches on a horse. He seems unable to proceed in a straight line. Regardless of his instructions the horse keeps veering to the left.]
Prince Jeremy: “What is this strange sight? Whoa Watson! Let me tie you to this tree, in a kinder, gentler and entirely progressive manner, not suggesting in any way that you are subservient to me as we go forward together towards our bright inclusive future”
[It is a little known fact that horses can show derision. Watson does so, then starts troughing all the grass he can reach].
“Look at the state of this poor … woman?. What’s this? Blah blah true Labour’s first kiss.” [He takes a harder look at Coal Black and considers her plight and his options].
“Bollocks to that – come Watson, let us ride like an unethical fuel sourcing operation and get the frack out of here”
[Prince Jeremy rides off into the sunset. Princess Coal Black remains in her slumber to this day. The world is a happy place]