I am sure that all the contributors to Going Postal appreciate the high standard of puns provided by me on a regular basis. No, no, no need for any thanks, your warm comments and the regular ‘coat’ piccies are thanks enough. I am very pleased to report that I have purchased three new joke books from Amazon and I am putting the final touches to a Christmas Pun Special, How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad! You know the drill by now! I can imagine you are getting a bit excited!
But it may surprise you to know I am not just GP’s self-appointed Pun Master but I am also a highly prized academic from the University of Dewsbury where I received a double first in Philosophy, Politics and Eid.
I am worried that due to the real complex nature of our political system, some of you may feel a little left behind, but fear not Hippo’s like to help and the Flying one is no exception.
I have picked four of our favourite politicians and put together a short biography on each one, just pertinent facts so you are fully informed. This will enable you to impress your friends no end down the pub on a Friday night.
In May 1970 Vatican astronomers noticed strange things going on in the vicinity of Preston, Lancashire. Nothing new there I suppose, but on this particular day, a strange bizarre entity was entering the world, it was the 27th – the day Timothy James Farron was born. Immediately his parents noticed something strange about him he was constantly talking bollocks and getting wound up about minutia issues. His teachers at school were also concerned, as he kept writing pages and pages of bizarre text that no one could understand or wanted read. This eventually was published by Farron and became the Liberal Democrat 2016 manifesto. Things reached fever pitch when Farron was three years old, Farron’s parents knew he was devilishly weird and they obtained the Daggers of Megiddo and were going to save humanity by sacrificing him at Preston Central Methodist Church. However, the police were tipped off just before the ceremony started, there was a struggle and Farron was saved. Unfortunately, Farron had obtained a blow to the head that mentally retarded him and also prevented him from growing properly, because of this he was unable to get a proper job so became a college lecturer. His mental condition deteriorated further which rendered him unemployable (he was incapable of coherent thought, considered himself a victim and had the speech aptitude of a cabbage) and he was subsequently elected leader of the Lib Dems in July 2015.
In the sixties there was a secret EEC programme with the codename “Jellystone” to create a new breed of super spy to further the cause of European Integration. The plan was to have an army of highly trained, multilingual and super intelligent fighting machines inserted into host families across Europe. Specimens were genetically engineered using arse sweat from Jean Monnet and spunk from Jaques Delores. However, the genetic scientists left the specimens on the windowsill in the lab a little too long, especially the one destined for Hermance van den Wall Bake – The mother of Nicholas William Peter Clegg. When Clegg was born on the 7th January 1967 the only genetic coding trait that survived was the multilingual segment, Clegg can speak absolute shite in five languages. Clegg had a life of privilege and a career in journalism and politics doing fuck all. This meant he was adequately qualified for the post of Lib Dem leader, which he became in December 2007. However it is rumoured that agents in the Jellystone programme can still be activated to cause havoc using a special code phrase from Robert Frost’s poem “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.” It is rumoured Jean Claude Juncker did this to Clegg during the run up to the EU referendum, hence why we can’t get the Clegg mong off the Tele!
Jeremy Bernard Corbyn was born on the 26th May 1949. After a pretty miserable school existence, he got a job as a body double in the popular BBC sitcom Steptoe and Son. After two weeks Corbyn was sacked, this was because Hercules thought he was too scruffy for the role and took a dislike to him. Dejected, Corbyn followed the trajectory of most modern politicians by getting a job that does not create any sort of wealth and is funded by other people’s money. He became an official in the well-known National Union of Tailors and Garment Workers. It was during his trade union days Corbyn became a drain spotter and he would travel the country photographing highway ironworks. Being interested in “manholes” he immediately attracted the attention of Keith Vaz the Labour MP for Leicester East. It is reported both Vaz and Corbyn had a bust up when Corbyn invited Vaz back to his London home to show him his manhole photograph collection. Apparently, Vaz was expecting something else so he left in a rage, but did manage to sell Corbyn a Whirlpool washing machine. Bizzare! Corbyn was voted the Spectator magazine twat of year in 2015. He became Labour Party leader in September 2015.
Born 1 October 1956, Mrs May is the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Leader of the Conservative Party, in office since July 2016. She is only the second female Prime Minister and the first to have 50% rigor mortis. After a lacklustre 6 years in the Home Office, May became Prime Minister in a one horse race contest which she came second. After her appointment – May immediately set out to do nothing and spends her time sat in the Number 10 drawing room making up false promises. It is rumoured she is considering participating in the next series of the BBC game show Pointless with her long-term friend Abu Qatada, who she kindly provided free bed and board for 10 years when he was down on his luck. She is married to Philip May a professional Arthur Askey look-a-like.
Well I hope the above helps you understand more about our pretty special politicians. Thank you for reading.