The Listening Project (The Lost Transcriptions) – TAPE 1984041116

Coloniescross, Going Postal

Many conversations have been recorded for (make mine a hefty) Fee Glovers’ “The Listening Project”.

Due to the nature of some of the conversations and to other constraints many of the recordings are deleted before  they get chance to become part of the archive which is kept in the British Library. Others are considered to be so  politically sensitive that they must stay under lock and key for a number of years.

Through a “friend”, (no names, no pack drill), Colin Cross has been able to obtain copies of transcripts of some of  these conversations. With the help of Swiss Bob and the indulgence of his fellow posters he intends to publish  them, verbatim, on the Going Postal Blog. It is Colin’s wish that these highly important historical records are  retained for posterity.

TAPE 1984041116

This tape was recorded on the 4th of November 2016 in the Strangers Bar in the House of Commons; the participants  were fully aware of the recording and have given their permission for the transcript to be retained by the British  Library. They expressed their wishes that under no circumstances should copies of the sound recording, or written  transcripts, be made available for public consumption for at least 50 years.

James (Jim) Bright-White is a prominent businessman who enjoys a close relationship with many of the nations MP’s.  Amongst other things he owns a company (Vazzle-Dazzle) that markets a range of high capacity laundry machines.

Brian Christie is a prominent opposition MP whose constituency is in South Wales, he is keen to discuss with Jim  how Vazzle-Dazzle machines can be utilised so as to avoid any dirty linen belonging to MP’s being “washed” under  public scrutiny.

Brian (extending his hand to Jim, then quickly wiping it on his jacket);  “Hello Jim, you don’t mind my calling you  Jim I hope, thanks for coming in to see me, can I get you a drink”?

James; “Of course not, I’ll have a Rigid Richard, but won’t you let me pay”?
Brian; “Sorry Jim, we get huge discounts on drinks and guests aren’t allowed to pay, but I do get off duty in an  hour, I know a lovely little bar in Soho…..”

Jim “Ooh cheeky, that sounds nice, shall I bring along a sample of our favourite powder”?
Brian; “Bring whatever turns you on Jim (smiling coquettishly), but first we need to get down to some serious but  highly confidential parliamentary business. For some time now myself and my colleagues have been able to brush many  of our little peccadilloes under the carpet, so to speak but it now looks like we will have to be very careful  about what we get up to in our limited personal time, which I might add is hardly fair given how hard we work when  we are here”.

Jim; “I see Bri, you don’t mind me calling you Bri, but how can I help with this situation”?

Bri; “Call me whatever you like J, so long as it isn’t too early for breakfast, you scamp. Seriously though, we  need a very large washing machine to keep in the HoC basement so that we can do our dirty laundry out of sight of  the voters.  Recently a colleague, whose name I can’t mention, has been caught in flagrante with some young men of  a, shall we say, louche persuasion. It is alleged that he has been involved in supplying drugs to them and may well  have indulged in unprotected anal sexual intercourse. It would be in the best interests of all involved, not least  myself, if we could get a machine installed within the week so we can wash these particularly dirty items and get  our colleague back where he belongs, front and centre of our great party of the people”.

J; “I say, that sounds like something of a party, what time is it likely to get started”.

Bri; “As I said J, at the moment it’s just a series of rather spurious allegations being spread by the right wing  press. Having said that, just between you and me, I have no doubt that so long as we get this lot of laundry done  tout suite I might be able to wangle an invitation to the next bash. You may have to come in through the back door  though”.
J; “How lovely, I do like entering from the rear, there really is nothing quite like it, especially when one isn’t  wearing a coat, if you get my meaning”.

Bri; “Yes J, indeed, I only ever enter through the back door but before we go any further, can we or can’t we get a  machine installed before the investigation starts to look a little deeper into things”.

J; “Well Bri, I think you may have got me here under a bit of a false premise. My machines are great for washing  large loads of real dirty washing, soiled y fronts and the like, but unfortunately they really aren’t any good for  cleaning up the dirty linen of corrupt and sexually depraved people whether they be MP’s or not. I think you would  be far more likely to get the service you need from a good PR agency. Cumbell & Mandlbaum are the best in the  business; they managed to keep a former PM’s dirty linen so far out of the public eye that when he retired he went  on to become a very rich and well respected (cough, cough) man.”

Bri; “Do forgive me J; it does seem that we have been at cross purposes, though I may look into buying one of your  smaller machines for myself. I will contact Cumbell & Mandlbaum first thing in the morning. In the meantime can I  get you (passes Jim a piece of grubby paper) to ring Stefan and Andre, a couple of young men of my acquaintance?  They’ll be happy to meet us at the bar in Soho, for a small consideration of course, did you say you had a sample  of powder in your man bag”?

J; “Don’t mention it Bri, only too happy to help, all boys together and all that. Am I right in assuming that we  will be allowed in the back door sans coat?  If so then I’ll put these chaps on speed dial, you never know when  you’re going to have an emergency do you?”

Bri; “Indeed you don’t Jim, I’ll get someone to call a cab, on expenses of course, raise your glass my friend,  here’s to a wonderful night and the start of a new relationship, courtesy of the British taxpayer”.

Coloniescross ©