I drank deep from the vats of the brewery the other night and some hours later the fair muse of Hook Norton visited me in my dreams.
“Out-of-time Ironside,” she said in her sweetest Joan Greenwood lilt which made my skin goose-pimpular, “to quiet your unstill spirit I bring you a vision, the first of many, into which you must pour your energies and heart to help wage the cultural struggle to reclaim our lost civilisation and the freeing of the peoples of the West.”
My tongue was dry, my heart was racing, my mind buzzing (and not just from the radiant nectar I had been supping) for she was fair beyond mortals, her voice of paralysing mellifluence, her eyes commanding, such I that I could neither move nor speak.
“You must write a script for a televisual series, a heroic epic set far into the future. Listen carefully to what I say…”
Under such an injunction, on her departure I was freed and commenced writing with a frenzy worthy of the great master EoL himself.
And so the story begins, commencing with,
The Opening Monologue by Convener and Co-Chair James ‘VOP’ Jungkirk
“Freedom: No borders. These are the voyages of the Starship Universal Benefit. Her continuing mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and proclivities, to boldly go where no non-specific gendered or sexually oriented humanoid has gone before, and ferry them all back to Earth.”
The Concept and Backstory
Civilised humanity is failing, its people murmuring revolt against the enlightened perpetual leadership of the Global Union, especially the benighted fascist racist cis-gendered ones of the West whose undeserving privilege it is to contribute all their productive efforts to the other more deserving but unfortunately unproductive inhabitants of the Solar System and its ever-growing number of dependencies.
The leader of Humanity’s Senate, Ban Quick-Flop, in a desperate effort to rescue humanity from the growing Rebel Alliance, led by its mystery leadership known only by their code names ‘The Don’, ‘Kek’ and ‘Barage’, is negotiating a new larger union with the powerful ‘Clinton Empire’ led by the hereditary HillBill dynasty. But confidential files, whose revelation would imperil the secret merger negotiations, have gone missing. And so the heroic crew of the Starship Universal Benefit are sent on a vital mission to find who is responsible, to recover the lost Universe-Mails and to uncover the identities and nefarious plans of the diabolical Rebel Alliance leadership. The crew’s misadventures become the story arc of the series as they venture into deepest space on their desperate mission to do good everywhere.
Convener and co-Chair: James ‘VOP’ Jungkirk, mission commander, heroic, noble but with a set of terrible flaws which humanise him but render him comatose for hours at a time.
First Officer and Purser: Dr Sorosk, the fiendishly clever alien-droid hybrid, who feels no emotion at all as he uses his lethal ‘Death Grip’ to destroy the futures of all who oppose him.
Communication Droid #1: CN24neeio, broadcasts on all channels without pause as it seeks to communicate with all life forms extending to them ‘welcome and free passage to Earth’.
News Droid #1: R2Beeb4: broadcasts on all channels 24 hours per day the ‘correct facts and figures’ as sanctioned and validated by Dr Sorosk and the Senate back home.
Lieutenant Dianne Allura: communications officer, extraordinarily endowed in a uniform that makes no effort to cover it. Voracious in her appetites and possessing an unerring ability to find enemies everywhere.
Engineering Officer ‘Scotty’ Sturgeon: a genius with the EUfund Mk1 Warp Drive, needs her own translating machine, the first of the new wave of affirmative action engineering officers.
Lieutenant Nicky Clegg: navigation officer, this appointment represents his last chance after losing his previous 50 ships, but he is the on-board heartthrob action on the basis of his 30 claimed female kills.
Lieutenant Sadiq, weapons officer, exotic, young, fanatical and ambitious with a murky background and duskier associates among the ever-growing alien contingent on board. Replaces the previous weapons officer Lieutenant-Commander Ivan Pushtoff who is rumoured to have defected to the Rebel Alliance.
Empress-unelect Clinton, wife of the former disgraced and abdicated Emperor Clinton whose predatory ways were too much even for the sycophantic imperial court to endure. The Empress-unelect is desperate for her inauguration before her failing health gives way so that she can become first Supreme Empress of the putative Clinton Galactic Union and anoint her favourite, Huma the Modevil, as her successor.
Emperor (current) Barakkabad, the failing and listless current ruler whose vitality and life force have been consumed by the doctored Mediplan heart-implant fitted by Dr Sorosk in conjunction with Huma the Modevil.
Weiner the parasite: a strange alien organism that enters its host by their reproductive organs to consume their youth and innocence before retreating, sated and bloated, to its symbiotic carrier organism Huma the Modevil.
Pilot Episode – ‘Lost in Space’
Exploring well off the beaten track the plucky crew of the Universal Benefit come across a barely functioning shipwreck with only one shattered survivor, Midshipperson Farron, on board. Yes, it’s one of Nick’s former lost ships, but is all that it seems on board? And what is that Armada of unidentified dark ghost ships coming out of the Forbidden Hell Sector and which is headed for earth?
And so I rested and thought I would ask my friends of GP for feedback before I submit it to the BBC or one of the American channels as a script pitch.