“Brian, what does wanker mean?” – “Masturbate.”

Going Postal

As Woody Allen once said, “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love”.
OK, stop sniggering, this is a serious topic.  Due to the personal nature of this, it is something we tend not  speak about.  Men do it, women do it, and I would guess those identifying themselves as something else do it.

There are many euphemisms for this activity, some of my favourite ones being, for men; tossing, 5 knuckle shuffle,  choking the chicken, jerkin the gherkin, spanking the monkey, hand to gland combat. 

For the gentlemen, only: – Before reading the euphemisms for lady masturbation, see how many you know first, I  would guess 2 or at most 4. Ladies, I would guess, will know a lot more. I have put these at the end of this article.

During my research and testing for this, I read many reports, but I am not convinced any are particularly  accurate, as in general, people, tend not to admit to certain personal things, such as masturbation, their own sex  life, how much alcohol they drink etc.

The publication of Kinsey’s and Masters and Johnson’s research revealed that masturbation was both common and  harmless.  Various studies have since confirmed this basic truth in addition they have shown that masturbation is  neither a substitute for “real” sex nor a facilitator of risky sex.

Some studies say that educated people masturbate more, and have better sex lives. I was not particularly well  educated, mainly due to idleness on my part, so just this one line shows how these studies can be a bit dodgy.

A recent study has also reported that masturbation may protect men against prostate cancer.  I am not expecting  any government-sponsored public relations campaign promoting this strategy though.  On an un-related topic, I  should be safe from prostate issues.

Testing:; Now as you know, I am a test manager, so I consider it part of my duty to test out some of the  masturbatory techniques gleaned off the internet, on behalf of all the GPers, so you do not have to.  You can  thank me later.

This article is just covering techniques for men, as I am inadequately built to cover the female part, for this article, I do apologise to the ladies, and no, I am not going to ask Mrs. Test Manager to write an article.

Getting started – the basic technique

Going Postal

Most men learn early on that their hand is the perfect friend with benefits. It’s natural, effective and a lot of  fun.  The most basic technique is simply to grip your gentlemen sausage in your stronger hand with your fingers  underneath and thumb on top.

You then move your hand up and down, not too hard and not too fast. With some experimentation, you should be able  to find just the right pressure, finger position and speed to stimulate you.

This is probably the oldest and most satisfying hands-only masturbation technique.

Your hand’s twin

Goihng Postal

Even at this basic level you can still spice things up nicely by using your other hand. Here are some ideas for  you to try out:

  • Try using only your other hand.
  • Try using both hands at the same time. If you can put them one next to the other on your gentleman  sausage, then lucky for you and any girl you meet. If not, you can try holding it in between both palms pressed  together.
  • Use one hand to move up and down the shaft while the other plays with the head of your sausage. (I would  recommend some lubricant with this though.)

Don’t leave your balls hanging

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(Apologies for the picture, I needed one of 2 balls)

Your balls are an erogenous zone which you can use to heighten your orgasms.

It’s up to you to work out the best way to masturbate by including your testicles; some ideas for you though:

  • Pull them slightly downwards while masturbating.
  • Try caressing, stroking or tickling them – experiment to see what and where feels good.
  • Try just holding them in a light but firm grip with the other hand.
  • Tie them up – Do not let them go blue though.  Top-Tip – Do not use elastic bands, they are a bugger to  get off.

Experiment with different positions

  • Here are 3 ways you can use different positions to mix things up from time to time:
  • Hold your sausage under your body, lying on your bed on top of your hand. Then thrust into your hand.
  • Try kneeling or standing and thrusting into your hand.
  • Change positions during your session: kneeling, standing, sitting, swapping hands or anything you can  think of to add variety.

The holy grail of the male G-spot

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Please be advised that I have not tested this, you try at your own risk, and myself and this platform, cannot be  held responsible for any injury, damage or embarrassment you may inflict upon yourself.

We (as in men) are blessed with 2 G-spots.  Some will say three, if you include the perineum, which is the area  between your ball bag and anus.  Some would also argue for nipples, though many, like me, find them to tickle so  much, it is hardly arousing.

The first is the area on and around the frenulum – the string-like piece of flesh connecting the head of the  sausage with the shaft. You’ll probably find it’s a particularly sensitive area to rub.

The second G-spot might not be everyone’s cup of tea and biscuit, but some men (I am advised) like to include  their anus when masturbating.

If you’re willing to explore, here are the rules:

  • Wash your anus and hands before starting.
  • Put some lubricant on your finger.
  • Rub around the outside of your anus to begin with.
  • Gently insert a finger as far as is comfortable.
  • Just keep the finger inside while you masturbate with your other hand as normal, or move it gently in and  out. Whatever works for you.
  • The G-Spot is a small area a couple of inches inside. It should feel like a little ball just over an inch  in diameter, which is the outside of the prostate. You can softly rub this spot if you manage to find it, and if  it’s pleasurable.

Sorry – I did not try this, for those that do, please let the GPers know how you got on.  I have no doubt we will  be thanking you for your efforts and advice.

The slippery joys of lubricant

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For the same reasons that you’d use a simulated vagina, lubricant is also an awesome addition to your repertoire of self-pleasure techniques.

A real vagina is wet and slippery, so a dry palm is a poor imitation of that amazing experience. Lubricant also  makes it easier to stimulate the head of your sausage, and of course explore your anus if you so desire.

Sex toys Father Christmas will not deliver

Going Postal

Going Postal

There are loads of sex toys you can use in combination with the masturbation techniques here, for example:

  • Cock rings and vibrating cock rings add extra pleasure and test your control.
  • You can try out a realistic vagina mouth sleeve.
  • There are toys designed to stimulate your G-spot

Phil the Tests Managers’ top-tip – Take your time.  As a young lad, we all masturbated quickly, usually to avoid  getting caught, but once you start having real sex, you will need to learn to climax a lot slower to avoid  disappointing partner. If your partner is complaining, I would suggest you re-learn to masturbate, but set  yourself a time-limit so for example you deny yourself for 20 minutes from starting.

Masturbatory euphemisms for the ladies;

How many did you get:

Some my favourites:

Punching the munchkin, Ménage à moi, Finger Painting, doing a Meg Ryan, Checking the undercarriage, diddling miss  daisy, buttering the muffin, fanning the fur, bash the candle, beat the bishop, crank the shank, fondle the fig,  paddle the pickle, visiting the safety deposit box, tickle your pickle, Jill off and Flicking the bean.

Hat tip to: http://everything2.com/title/Masturbation+euphemisms

The list goes on and on, I suspect there is such a long list, as people do not even like to use the word  “masturbation”.

As a final word, to those who about to call me wanker, please remember:

Going Postal

Phil the test manager ©