Defining Language. A glossary of Leftism

Guardian Council, Going Postal

We on the progressive Left must not be fooled by the attempts of neoliberal Tory stooges (*spit) and the Murdoch controlled media (*spit spit) to confuse Our Language. We henceforth declare the meaning of Our Words as such:

BBC: the people’s own state-broadcaster that still gives far too much weight to the opinions of neoliberal economists, climate change deniers, euro-sceptics and generally to anybody who doesn’t agree with us.

Black Lives Matter: a pressure group run mainly by white people for the benefit of black people. Not patronising at all. Fond of blocking airports because obviously black people stop mattering once they make over 30 grand per year.

C4: a powerful brain bleach. Good for fighting the Righties. Stimulates hysterical laughter and profound disbelief in them. Small quantities are toxic but larger doses may be lethal (LD 50 = 30 minutes).

Capitalism: evil incarnate. Led billions of people across the globe out of misery and made them no longer depend on progressive policies and wealth distribution. Also, made billions of people less likely to fall for lefty mantras, putting Lefties out of their jobs everywhere. That’s why the Left hate it so much.

Common sense: made up of non-scientific ideas it defies ideology and thus cannot be included in this glossary of lefty terminology. To be thoroughly ignored and/or avoided.

Climate Change (man-made, anthropogenic): the reason why we have to live in mud huts and eat tofu. Huge money making scheme through subsidies for wind farms and “science”. Makes rich people richer and poor people poorer – that’s why mid-class lefties in leafy suburbs are so concerned with it. (See: Quislington).

Diversity: this is only practical in Western countries and not in the poor places. Because India is for the Indian people; China is for the Chinese people and the West is for everybody. May prove convenient for one’s own constituents realising hegemony over all the other groups in a given societal context. (See Islamism).

Emily Thornberry: the current incarnation of Hyacinth Bucket (“Bouuuquéee!”). A howling bully, basically.

Entitlement: it’s a very special privilege having to pay for lazy and daft people to hate you. People ought to be grateful for that. (See: white male privilege).

EU: the end game of all things Lefty. The closest we shall ever come to our socialist utopia. Not logical, but psychological.

Feminism: can work exceedingly well for getting jobs and promotions even regardless of qualification. Of course not jobs as brick layers, sewage workers or minicab drivers – but cushy lady jobs where you can drink tea all day and won’t spoil your dresses. What’s not to like?

Free Will: must be controlled through liberal and progressive doses of brain bleach (starting with BBC, progressing to C4 if necessary). In the most persistent cases, re-education (see there) will become inevitable.

Hate Crime: saying something that upsets somebody. Formerly an insult or a smear that was perfectly justiciable under the law when done with criminal intent. Must now be framed with deliberate vagueness in an effort to scare people into obedience. Only evidence required in court: hurt feelings.

Hurt Feelings: compelling evidence for whatever complaint brought forward against your opponent. Makes getting rid of your critics so much easier. Not infantile at all. (See also: re-education).

Immigration: the one good thing that will make capitalism, white male privilege and Western civilisation finally disappear. Import the third world and become the third world, hurray! Can also be used as a fool-proof way of instating societal conditions under which leftism finally works – through “the equal sharing of misery”.

Israel: the one thing that winds up some of our voters each and every time you mention it. Fail-proof way of raising their blood pressure, making them lose their nerve and their temper. Righties love Israel, not only for this so better avoid the topic altogether.

Islamism: has nothing to do with Islam. Just like Marxism has nothing to do with Marx. Any objections are brought up by wicked white men in order to smear the innocents of ISIS, Al-Qaeda, Al-Shabaab, Al-Nusra, Hamas, Hezbollah, to name but a few. Caution: Muslim critics of Islamism have shorter live spans.

Labour: the democratic arm of syndicalism and some sects of terrorism (Irish-republican, Islamist). Not the ideal way of achieving world revolution but must make do. Lately mobilising the masses as never before – though mostly away from Our Party. (See also: victims, Our Jeremy, trains).

Mental Health Issues: anything entirely unrelated to terrorism. But must never be used to give Righties a pass.

Moral lobotomy: what state broadcasters such as the BBC perform on their audiences, in the latter case non-stop and multi-channel by inducing a superficially comatose condition that allows its audiences to function well in their day-to-day chores but without ever having to fall back or rely on their own moral judgement.

Multiculti: Leftism’s Xanadu. Most segments of the population integrate very well except some that integrate even double-plus-good. NB: There’s no diversity like Islamist diversity; where there really is none at all. Any objections must be treated as waycism (see there) and automatically lead to re-education (see there).

“Jim”: The Labour Saint of all washing machine sales men who quickly rose to fame after offering to supply class “A” substances to male prostitutes. This was selfless and progressive on so many levels: it was countering gender mainstreaming, helping immigrants into work and checking white male privilege all at the same time (and those poor Romanian rent-boys really needed their white male privilege checked, didn’t they?).

“Jo”: female Labour Saintesse, murdered in her constituency. Cause celebre across the country in the week before Brexit. Became slightly less vital for the Left after it proved impossible to skew the result of the Brexit-referendum via this sad case. The mad man who murdered her of course didn’t have mental health issues although he probably did (see there). And that’s because he was a Righty.

Our Jeremy: the current title holder is a frail old chap best known for his dress sense (socks and sandals) who is actually called Jeremy (that’s “Jezzer” for friends). He’s always right and must never be questioned, especially not by the press. There’ll be others like him at the helm in future.

Patriarchy: if you don’t know what this is then you’re probably a part of the problem. (See Re-Education).

Post Brexit Crime: anything that happened after the 23rd of June 2016 that can be conveniently politicised or weaponised in order to smear the political opponent.

Pink Berets: homosexual fighter corps consisting so far only of the one and only Eddie Izzard. Rumour has it there are presently trials under way in the pump rooms of Broadcasting House to clone him so that Izzie can sit simultaneously on as many radio and television panels as is technically possible. Which would be funny, because Righties say Izzie already is a clone – or was that clown?
Putin: some kind of evil devil that resides behind the Urals. Best pals with Donald Trump and Nigel Farage. Wants to turn Britain into another Crimean Peninsula.

Quislington: a.k.a. Islington. A leafy suburb in North London where quite a few apologists for Islamic terrorism reside. Drown their sorrows in prosecco when they’re inconveniently reminded that they’d be the first to be pushed from the roof tops once their political pets come to power. Carry on regardless because not to do so could be seen as waycist. (See also: moral lobotomy, Islamophobia, C4).

Re-education: “We on the progressive Left believe in information, education and entertainment. But these noble aims must be united under the broad umbrella of re-education. Its subjects are shifting and manifold but could broadly be summarised with the help of this glossary. Any attempt at eschewing re-education in the living-room should be countered with augmented dosage, if necessary in dedicated re-education camps where an increased mortality rate may prove unavoidable.” From the proposed new charter of the BBC. What was it with omelettes and eggs?

Right-wing: people in dire need of re-education. Starts immediately right of Our Jeremy and includes all who don’t agree with him. Approximately 99% of the population could at some point in their lives be classed as right-wing.

Safe Space: making space safe for you.

Scotland: and oil rich state in the north of Britain that will become the developed world’s Venezuela if the SNP had their way.

Sexism: always a convenient scapegoat if you can’t name the French foreign minister on telly. Or are about to lose US presidential elections.

Social Justice Warriors: people with too much time on their hands. Might have rendered themselves unemployable through excessive tattooing, piercing, stark hair colouring, bad breath or faulty fashion sense. Through no mistake of their own of course but that’s capitalism for you. Quite practical for filling large squares with protesters. Jump on any bandwagon that offers to take them along as long as they can vent their anger about conditions for which they are largely to blame themselves but for which it is more convenient to blame others.

Snowflakes: equally prone to enthuse over the causes du jour but less wretched and more discerning than SJWs. Also, some of them do have work the next morning. Protesting rather out of a sense of guilt for their modest success in life. Still people who’d like to be treated like kids in their middle ages. They are very special, precious people and have unique and interesting emotions that set them so far apart from everybody else. Or so at least they’d like to think. Their ways of dealing with the world are largely emotional. Caution: cry when challenged. Because apart from their hurt feelings, they have little to no moral fibre.

State: deep in the vaults of the Treasury is where the magic money tree grows. It is our socialist cornucopia and will pay for all of our goodies. Sort of.

Trains: very convenient for sitting on the floor of in order to try and score a political point before you go back to your seat and enjoy the rest of your journey to Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Our Jeremy loves this.

Victims: anyone can be one. That’s one thing we all have in common. Leftism takes this idea to its political conclusion and explains victimhood as a result of capitalism. There is no individual responsibility for your life as long as there’s something or someone to blame for your shortcomings, comrades. And there’ll always be a scapegoat – with the silly compliments of the Left.

Waycism (formerly known as racism): often hides behind stating the presumably obvious that not all societies are equally apt at ensuring the greatest possible happiness for the greatest possible number of people. Goes on saying that this doesn’t necessarily mean that any one culture is better – they’re just better doing certain things. Germans make good beer, Brits make good tea (apart from a few other things) and the French make good surrender monkeys. We on the progressive Left of course know this is untrue.

White male privilege: the most cherished fruit of sixty years of state-sponsored feminism in institutions all across Western societies. (See feminism, patriarchy).

White Vans: broadly, there are two types. Category a) features prominently in the public’s imagination since Emily Thornberry resoundingly proved them to be symptoms of small minded, Little-English bigotry via her now famous white van tweet. Whereas category b) is the natural reaction to Islamophobia and white male privilege dormant in all of Western civilisation.

Guardian Council ©