A strange thing happened to me in the night

JWP, Going Postal

A strange thing happened to me in the night. As I slumbered within my house of strong walls I metamorphosed into somebody else. When I awoke I was no longer me; I was Theresa May. Showering and shaving were interesting and Mrs JWP was most amused to see me descend the stairs wrapped in a leopard skin and tangerine two-piece with matching pill box hat. However, with all the fluidity of Duckhams 20w50 I soon settled into my new identity and after a hearty breakfast of tea and cigarettes I took my place behind my desk to take in hand the meaty matters of the day.

As I glanced out of the lead lights at the garden lawn, bedecked with morning dew and only the occasional trace of dog a thought entered my mind. We are, we truly are in a moment of golden opportunity.

There has been much talk of a snap General Election. Should I call one? Would it be seen as naked opportunism? What about the fixed term Parliament thingy? Well, I mused to myself that there are times in life when it seems a higher power is working with you and for you and it is somewhat perverse to go against the flow. This, I thought is one such moment.

I therefore resolved to call an election in the Spring. My reasons are several and varied but chiefly I am triggered by the thought that Labour under Corbyn is in a state of direst dereliction and deepest despondency. This is surely the hour that all true Conservatives have prayed for; a Labour Party on the ropes. An early election will give us the majority, the momentum and the mandate to change Britain for ever.

My Manifesto, a first stab:

The first duty of government is to defend the Realm. We will rebuild our armed forces.

The second duty of government is to protect the Currency. We will sack Mark Carney and replace him with an Englishman.

The third duty of government is to maintain the peace. We will end the insidious practice of Social Workers in Uniform. The Police will once again become interested in applying the laws of the land, without fear or favour, regardless of race, colour or religious persuasion. There will be an even hand.

We will stem the inexorable drift into Political Correctness. The Miss World competition will be re-established with public funding. The BBC will be abolished and replaced with a 24-hour loop of Up Pompeii, Dixon of Dock Green and Till Death us do Part, with a half hour pause on Sundays for Songs of Praise (with organ accompaniment).

We will make use of the natural talents of our people and in pursuance of this I shall personally oversee the establishment of the Nigel Farage University of Central London. This new institution will offer study opportunities to the most able students. A new Qualification in Common Sense will become the benchmark for all those interested in public service and will be a requirement for anybody seeking election to public office.

The House of Lords will be disbanded in its current state and reconstituted solely with Peers who have held jobs in commerce and industry or other valuable arenas of public life.

The NHS will be commercialised. There will be a charge for use of the NHS by those who have arrived here from abroad. This will be applied on a sliding scale to those already domiciled here and be linked to past National Insurance contributions. For citizens who pay their taxes and NI treatment will remain free at the point of delivery.

On Welfare, those drawing benefits will be expected to work in the community in return for benefits. There will be exclusions for those deemed sick and incapable.

Old Age Pensions for those who have lived here all their lives will be increased substantially. Foreign Governments will be expected to support their elderly nationals who are retiring here in Britain. Similarly, those who come here to work from foreign countries will require promissory notes from their home nation that in case of unemployment financial support will be given by the ‘sending’ government.

The security of the Channel Tunnel and Southern Ports will be handed over to the Army.

We will place a moratorium on entry into the UK. No more Visas will be issued for the next five years and a review will then take place of the nation’s needs at that time.

Finally, we will establish a new ministry – The Ministry of National Identity. This ministry will apply itself to identifying those things, customs, practices and traditions that have hitherto shaped our nation and given us an identity that is unique in the civilised world. Resources will be made available to those who seek to re-establish facets of our Nation’s life that have been emasculated or eradicated by political correctness and socially coercive legislation.

I laid down my pen to take a break from writing. Although I had only scratched the surface I rested for a while in the crimson glow of what we might achieve, given the determination and the guts. A voice thundered in my ear, “Let’s put the Brit back in Britain! Yes, I thought, and the Great will follow of its own accord……………I felt moist with longing for what might lay within our grasp.

It was at this point that I awoke with a start, threw back the sheets and in the half light of an Autumnal dawn stepped into the chamber pot. It had, after all, been nothing more than a good dream.

JWP, Going Postal