Communiqué to all Committee members from Central Committee (Need to Know Only)
It has been some weeks since the makeup of both the Central and Western governing councils of Europia were announced, much of the intervening period has been taken up with long and often heated debate as to which politicians, business people and media professionals from what was Eastern Europe had the experience and the “understanding” to assist in driving forward the Europia project.
During these debates, often lasting deep into the night, we had cause to reflect on how much easier it would have been to form this regional council had the likes of Norman Wisdom, Nicolai Ceausescu and Ion Iliescu still been either alive, active in politics or both, given that the Eastern region, although now bolstered by its Turkish bulwark, lacks the stability of the Western and Central Regions. It was noted that Council members would need to be people of good standing in their own former countries and it was also acknowledged that finding such people, especially in the short to medium term, may well have been a challenge too great.
So the meetings and the searching questions continued;
Should the Eastern Europian Council be dominated by Greek and Turkish members and if so could we afford the hospital bills?
Should it be made up of Estonian, Latvian, Rumanian and Bulgarian members and if so where would we stable all the donkeys?
Should we immediately admit Ukraine to Europia and if so who would tell Mr Putin?
These and many other equally important matters, including whose turn was it to fetch the coffee and did asparagus foam truly enhance foie gras with shaved black truffle, accompanied by a cheeky Chateau Lafitte 2001, meant there was little time for the steering committee to even consider matters of little or no import, such as the fact that Greece was on the brink of civil war and Belgium was seriously considering seceding from Europia, changing its name to Belgocco and saying fuck it, it’s all yours.
Yanis Varoufakis, chair designate of Eastern Europia was a key factor in deciding the final make-up of his council; he argued vigorously that much of Eastern Europia was as yet “virgin” territory vis a vis EU style politics and as such he would appreciate the help of some of those that had been proposed for the other Councils but had not quite “made the cut” so to speak.
As a consequence of these debates and in respect of the wishes of Mr Varoufarkis a call for help was issued from Central Council to the Western Region, happily there were more than enough candidates put forward to allow the inauguration of an interim Council of Eastern Europia, made up of politicians from the Eastern sector, ably assisted by specialists from our other regions as follows;
The Eastern Europia Council Members
Chairman Yanis Varoufakis (former Greece finance minister)
Vice Chair Vilja Savisaar Toomast (former Estonia MEP)
Finance Rosen Plevneliev (former Bulgarian President)
Information and Media Peter Tatchell (Gay rights campaigner and SJW)
Culture Sir Leonard of Henry (Shakespearean actor and equalities activist)
Communities & Religious Cohesion Anjem Choudary (visionary activist for community integration)
Equality and Diversity Peter Mandleson (former EU Commissioner)
Defence Rebecca Johnson (former green party peace spokesperson)
Education Doreen Lawrence (former labour peer and professional victim)
Energy & Climate Change Amber Rudd (former UK minister)
Health Marisol Touraine (former French health minister)
Employment David Milliband (former charity worker and alleged facilitator of rendition)
Four Council members without portfolio were appointed; several approaches were made to Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott to take up important short term positions on the Council. They replied that the positions they were already taking up were proving to be both time consuming and exhausting and therefore they had to respectfully decline. Eddie Izzard would have been offered a seat on the council, but we could never catch up with him, Anish Kapoor would have been offered the Culture brief if his art had actually been any good, Emma Thompson was considered and quickly rejected as being “bat-shit crazy” and Harriet Harman turned down a seat based on the fact that given the predilection in the East for paedophilia and bestiality she couldn’t see what she had to offer.
Councillors without Portfolio;
Robert Peston (for his contribution to financial ennui)
Reynaldo da Silva (well, would you trust Peter so far away from home)
Hilary Clinton (she needed to move quite a long way, very quickly AND she has “special” talents)
Chris Bryant (keeping Renaldo/Peter company when one or the other is “indisposed”)