The (British) Empire Strikes back!

Going Postal
Jihadi Jez

Following the Panama Paper disclosures and the subsequent snap General Election Britain’s new Prime Minister Jeremy Corbyn has reiterated his call for Direct Rule to be imposed on British Overseas Territories (formerly known as Crown Colonies.) He is reported to have told a group of Party Workers:
“It is not acceptable in this day and age for aristocratic and loaded individuals to stash cash away in the strong rooms of British Overseas Territories. We have therefore resolved to place our Overseas Territories under direct rule from Westminster.”

In pursuance of this important and substantial change in Britain’s relations with her dependencies Prime Minister Corbyn has announced a series of new appointments. These have been leaked to us and we can exclusively report that:

Going Postal

Ms Diane Abbott will become Governor General of the Sandwich Islands. (Latin motto: Et pullum coctum potatoes)

Mr Chris Bryant will become Governor General of the Virgin Islands. (Latin motto: Et crassum diu ire)


Going Postal
Chris Bryant MP

Mr David Lammy will become Governor General of Bermuda. (Latin Motto: Et cerebrum non habent)

Following his appointment, Mr Lammy tweeted: “Sew pleezed to have bin apointered as Guvrenoor Genseral of Bramunda. I will do my upmoist to upholed the policees of the Brtish Goverament in the daze a head. I am moist honnord to be able to swerve my cuntery in the south Altantic.”

Going Postal
The Annoying part  of David Lammy MP

Ms Abbott has lost no time in sourcing her new uniform which she will be entitled to wear as Her Majesty’s Representative. Ede and Ravenscroft have apparently spent all afternoon taking measurements and are believed to have ordered an amount of white cotton fabric from the Lutfur Rahman Memorial Transgendered and Cisgendered Muslim People’s Solidarity and Ethical Worker’s Eco-Co-operative. Feathers will follow.

Mr Bryant said he was ‘anxious to get on top of his brief’, and anything else that might come along. Reports suggest that he spent Thursday afternoon in the Bikini Section of Regent Street’s branch of Ann Summers.

It has been suggested that a figure in excess of £27,000,000,000 will be recoverable from illicit trading in offshore transactions. Amongst proposals currently under consideration by the Cabinet is an £75 per week increase in the Jobseekers Allowance and increased funding for special causes including The Central London Muslim Brotherhood School of Aviation and a prestigious headquarters for Labour’s new LGBTTTQQIAA Action Bureau in Hampstead, London, (Sir George Michael House) recently opened by her Majesty the Queen.

Prime Minister Corbyn is working on further members of his new team. Announcements will follow as available.

Courtesy of Rutters News Agency.

Judas was paid ©