So you’ve decided to become a Labour MP. Great! So what do you need to do to achieve your goal and help bring about a more just and cohesive society? The following is a step-by-step guide on what you need to become an MP for the greatest political party ever created.
1. Employment history
It is essential that you’ve never held a real job in the real world. After graduation, the only acceptable jobs you can hold are working for a Labour MP, working in your local Labour constituency party, or working for a left-wing think tank. Employment in the private sector is not acceptable.
You need to have attended a grammar or private school. Although you will be spending the duration of your career condemning grammar and private schools and doing your utmost to prevent parents having choice, you yourself need to have benefited from them. Grammar is acceptable, though private is preferred – see Diane Abbott as an example.
To be a fully fledged Labour MP, you need to have a high standard of living. It is not acceptable to wear clothing from high street retailers. For male Labour MPs, as per the example of Chuka Umunna, you need bespoke tailored suits costing up to £2000. You will also need a holiday pad for vacations. Again, as per the example of Chuka Umunna, something like a villa in Ibiza will be acceptable, though Tuscany (ED are you sure?) is preferable, as per Labour supporter Polly Toynbee.
You will also need to be prepared to use the expenses system to the full. As part of this, you must take a second home, flip it as your main residence, so that you can then use the system to fill your actual home with luxury items like HD TVs, massage chairs and hanging baskets. Remember, you will often have to meet constituents, many of them working class and many of them Tory or UKIP supporters, and there is no better way to overcome such ordeals than to have a luxury home to return to in the evening that the commoners have paid for with their taxes.
4. The law
Once you become a Labour MP, there will be times when you may be tempted to break the law or to break House of Commons rules. You are strongly urged to do this. Whether this means using House of Commons stationary for party political campaigns, or offering your connections and influence in return for cash, or fiddling your expenses for financial gain, or enabling postal vote fraud, these are all essential to being a Labour MP.
5. Problematic issues
Finally, to be a worthwhile MP for the party, you need the ability to ignore and cover up anything that could prove detrimental to the party’s image and reputation. For example, if you know of child abuse in your constituency, or have aides who hold unsavoury views, or know of fraud by colleagues, it is imperative that you ignore all of that. In the event of such things coming to light, you are required to say you had no knowledge of them at any time and to call the revelations a smear by your opponents.
We trust this has been helpful! Good luck on your journey to becoming a Labour MP!